By Alex Dougherty, Contributing Reporter
PORTLAND, OR — Under pressure from senior partners at the notoriously conservative Preston & MacGeedy law firm, junior associate Robert Fulton reluctantly announced Tuesday afternoon that he has been a lifelong hipster. Embarrassed and anxious, Fulton addressed his peers in a company board room wearing Buddy Holly glasses and a "Salvo" suit with Doc Marten boots. "I know this news comes as a shock to some of you," Fulton said to the crowded room, "but I am a hipster. I have been for some time, and now I'm not afraid to admit it."
Speaking with the Solicitor Tuesday night, Fulton explained that he realized he was a hipster in grade school when his classmates were watching MTV and listening to pop radio stations.
"I knew I was different- you might even say better than the other kids. I didn't want to watch TRL and listen to the music the big corporations spoon-fed the state run radio stations."
Fulton insists that as a child he would rather watch PBS and listen to National Public Radio, two stations renowned for their unrivaled elitist liberalisms and all-around douchebaggery.
"I knew I was different- you might even say better than the other kids. I didn't want to watch TRL and listen to the music the big corporations spoon-fed the state run radio stations."
Fulton insists that as a child he would rather watch PBS and listen to National Public Radio, two stations renowned for their unrivaled elitist liberalisms and all-around douchebaggery.
Fulton told the Solicitor that there were those within the firm who learned of his condition years earlier."Alyssa [Harden] has known for some time that I'm a hipster. She caught me drinking PBR on the job a couple years ago, and then spotted me at a Vampire Weekend concert last June. The whole ordeal was very embarrassing, and I asked that she let me come out of the repository in my own time."
The "repository", as Fulton explained, is the hipster equivalent of the "closet" for homosexuals, except, "not as mainstream."
At the conclusion of his address, Fulton asked for respect and understanding from his peers, saying, "please treat me no differently than any of the other lazy, apathetic employees at this firm," motioning to Mario De Los Cobos, an Hispanic attorney.
There are those at the firm, unbeknownst to Fulton, who suspected he may be a hipster months and even years earlier. Whenever Fulton was asked what law school he attended, he would notoriously answer, "some cool, obscure law school you've probably never heard of," and was known to ask repeatedly if the morning bagels were organic. Still, others reported that Fulton rode a retro Schwinn bike to work and used a vintage typewriter keyboard for his computer in the office.
There are those at the firm, unbeknownst to Fulton, who suspected he may be a hipster months and even years earlier. Whenever Fulton was asked what law school he attended, he would notoriously answer, "some cool, obscure law school you've probably never heard of," and was known to ask repeatedly if the morning bagels were organic. Still, others reported that Fulton rode a retro Schwinn bike to work and used a vintage typewriter keyboard for his computer in the office.
Many in the legal community had questioned, for some time, whether hipsters had the intellectual capacity, work ethic, or fashion sense to break into the most prestigious firms.
"I'm definitely not the only one of us in the legal community. I'm not going to tell you who the rest are, but I can say we meet regularly to loiter outside a local Whole Foods every Tuesday."
"I'm definitely not the only one of us in the legal community. I'm not going to tell you who the rest are, but I can say we meet regularly to loiter outside a local Whole Foods every Tuesday."
