By Erin Davis
WASHINGTON-- The pressure of the big stage was too much for the Orange County District Attorney's Office as Casey Anthony was acquitted of the homicide of her daughter, Caylee Anthony last week. Anthony's acquittal sparked rumors around the legal world that the prosecutors in that case might be sent down to the minors, and the Solicitor can now confirm this to be true. Anthony, already convicted, shot, hanged, and quartered in the court of public opinion, skirted past the prosecutors’ makeshift theories and legal mumbo-jumbo. “When this office spouts mumbo-jumbo, it’s supposed to be efficient and effective. The lead prosecutor’s was neither,” said presiding Judge Belvin Perry.
The lead prosecutor, Jeffery Ashton, was among the four sent to Florida’s legal minor league. “You only really get one chance to make it big in the majors. That was my chance. The Casey Anthony case was like a slam dunk— even better, a slow pitch softball, right down the middle of the plate. I just missed. I don’t know how, but I swung and missed like my alcoholic uncle playing waffle ball,” Ashton said after learning of his demotion.
“I can’t really blame the kid, he’s young. Hopefully he’ll be back in the majors in a couple years. Until then, have fun doing wills and estates in Key West, asshole,” Orange County DA Armand Castillo told the Solicitor. “We really had no other choice but to send them all down. You can’t lose that case. Ashton should be lucky I don’t chloroform him and stuff his body in a… I’m sorry. This whole situation is frustrating. I mean it’s great that we have such a rabid, passionate fan base who wants nothing more than to watch heads roll, but if we can’t win, it means nothing.”
Castillo’s decision to send the four prosecutors down to the minors was welcomed by most who intensely followed the trial and had already convicted Anthony in their own mind. There are others, however, who see the prosecutors’ demotion as a smokescreen to distract the public from the true cause of Anthony’s acquittal, feminism. Misogynistic conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has stated that Anthony “got off” because of “lesbian feminists on the jury who support baby-killing.”
“Not only are the feminists OK with what Anthony did, but the liberals are trying to ram all this P.C. bullshit down my throat. Now I can’t do dead baby jokes on the radio? C’mon, America.”
