In Savvy Legal Move, Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino Changes Name

By Brandon Giordano, Junior Editor

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ -- In what might be the most arbitrary and callous legal maneuver ever attempted by a reality TV star, Mike Sorrentino has legally changed his nickname from “The Situation” to “The Stipulation”. Sorrentino was arrested two months ago for indecent exposure and public drunkenness for his alcohol and steroid fueled boardwalk rampage. He broke three barstools, had sex with one woman and one grenade, and simulated lewd sexual acts with a stuffed animal in front of a popular taffy shop.

Sorrentino was called into the Ocean County courthouse to face his charges and his lawyer recommended that he stop using the name “The Situation”. “My lawyer, he was like ‘yo you def shouldn’t use that name any more, it gives the wrong image’ and shit. And I was like ‘bull shit! I ain’t changing nothin’.’ But then we got in the court room and the judge asked if anyone had stipulations, and I thought, ‘THAT’S A BAD ASS NAME.’ So it stuck.”

After consulting Black’s Law Legal Dictionary, and asking someone to read it for him, Sorrentino said that the name, meaning agreement in Latin, was perfect . “Me and girls stipulate all the time to do stuff, so it makes sense.” In an exclusive interview with the Solicitor, Sorrentino said that he expects to make a new reality series based off his new legal persona. “I’m basically a lawyer now, so like, they need to get me a new show. They can call it ‘My Balls in Your Court’ or something hot like that. That shit would be DOPE!”

The Solicitor sought comment from Sorrentino’s cast-mates from Jersey Shore, to see how they feel about their friend’s name change. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, said that the name change was welcome because Sorrentino had stopped living up to his name. “He called himself the Situation, but he ain’t no situation. He’s more like a… um… uh you know…  like not a situation…”

Ronnie Ortiz-Margo, known simply as Ronnie, was asked for comment but declined to share his feelings on the issue. When our reporter pressed him for an answer and accidentally challenged Ortiz-Margo’s manhood, the Jersey Shore cast member walked away, only to run back and punch the reporter in his fucking face. Ronnie rejoiced, “one shot, kid! One shot!” as he walked back down the boardwalk.

The reporter attempted to file charges, but was denied relief when an attorney informed him that according to New Jersey Penal Code 324.5(a)6)(i), a person can use any amount of retaliatory force when, “a motherfucker calls you out on the boardwalk in front of your broad.” The clause in the penal code was written by Reverend John Witherspoon, founder of Princeton University and signer of the Declaration of Independence. When Sorrentino was asked about the incident, he said, “the Stipulation ain’t got no comment, although from that video I saw, Ronnie got him good, right in his dumbass reporter face.”