By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor
BOSTON -- The entire legal community of Boston has become extremely apathetic towards their profession and education due to a strain of Parisian Apathy. The virus, contracted through overexposure to European labor and education strikes, has put a halt to judicial proceedings, law classes, and firm Christmas parties across the city. Municipal judges throughout Suffolk County have taken indefinite recess, and my fear that they may not return to work for some time. Allen Thomas of Roxbury was arrested last week for assault but has not been arraigned. “I got to the courtroom and the judge just sat there, watching TV. I asked my lawyer to do something about it, but he just pulled out his cell phone and played brick breaker.”
BOSTON -- The entire legal community of Boston has become extremely apathetic towards their profession and education due to a strain of Parisian Apathy. The virus, contracted through overexposure to European labor and education strikes, has put a halt to judicial proceedings, law classes, and firm Christmas parties across the city. Municipal judges throughout Suffolk County have taken indefinite recess, and my fear that they may not return to work for some time. Allen Thomas of Roxbury was arrested last week for assault but has not been arraigned. “I got to the courtroom and the judge just sat there, watching TV. I asked my lawyer to do something about it, but he just pulled out his cell phone and played brick breaker.”
At Harvard, law professors have reportedly given their students a number of excuses as to why classes will not be held. In an email to his second year class, Professor David Chaim said that his wife had, “DVR’ed a great episode of Mythbusters,” and that it was, “too windy to have class.” First year student Jenny Cavello says that most of the students are not surprised by the class cancellations. “Most of us have been apathetic towards this stuff since we got here. I haven’t opened a book or taken notes in months, and frankly I don’t care…”
The host of the virus is believed to be a Boston University law student, Shawna White, who visited her boyfriend in Paris over Thanksgiving break. While there she witnessed students at Sorbonne strike over class hours, Metro workers strike over wages, and gypsies strike over the weather. “It was all kind of weird, especially when the riot police showed up and started using pepper spray. At first I was concerned, but then I was consumed with this very European feeling of ‘fuck it’.”
Parisian Apathy has struck the United States before with far more damaging consequences. It has often appeared months, weeks, and sometimes days before the outbreak of war. The epidemics of 1775, 1863, and 1908 were all followed by overwhelming victories by those who actually gave a shit. The most notable example is undeniably the strain of Parisian Apathy that caused the legal and political communities of England and the United States to allow Hitler to invade Czechoslovakia and Poland. After the end of World War II, Prime Minister Winston Churchill was quoted as saying, “I’m not really sure why, but we just didn’t give a rat’s ass until he started bombing London. Even then, we still weren’t sure we wanted to do anything.”
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