DJ Funkmaster Flex Arrested After Dropping Actual Bomb in NY Nightclub

By Thurgood Clarence X Thomas, Jr.

NEW YORK, NY – After years of being known for killing crowds across the nation with bass-heavy rap music and bomb sound effects, Aston George Taylor Jr. , known prominently as DJ Funkmaster Flex allegedly took his antics a step further by exploding a fuck-load of C4 in New York’s 40/40 Nightclub. An estimated 250 people in attendance were killed, while another 100 were injured.

“THIS NEXT JOINT IS GONNA RATTLE THE STREETS. MINDS IS GONNA BE BLOWN, YA HEARD,” boomed Taylor before the bombs were detonated, according to witnesses at the scene.

Taylor is currently being held at Bayview Correctional Facility without bail as he awaits his first hearing.

His attorney, Maurice Levy, says his client is confident that he will be exonerated and that justice will prevail. Levy is famous for his (possibly fictional, but hey, it still seemed pretty fucking real on The Wire) defense of Baltimore drug lords Avon Barksdale and Marlo Stanfield. His street credibility and ability to get ridiculously lenient sentences for criminals has made him popular in the music and sports world. However, he was unable to keep Plaxico Burress out of prison after Burress shot himself in the leg with an illegal firearm.

“Mr. Taylor is a family man and sends his deepest condolences to the families of the deceased. He has confidence that the NYPD will solve this case and bring the perpetrators to justice,” Levy said in a statement to the media members gathered outside of his law offices in midtown Manhattan.

According to an unnamed police source, however, Taylor was singing a much different tune as SWAT team members escorted him out of what remained of the 40/40 Club.

“I HAD TO SHOW NIGGAZ I WAS REAL! BIG DOG PITBULL STYLE – I RUN NEW YORK,” said Taylor. “HEAVY.”
According to sources at Hot 97, Funkmaster Flex’s longtime collaborator Mister Cee was devastated by the news.

“They planned on making their relationship public at that gay pride parade [scheduled for June 26],” said production intern Erik “Gunz” Smith. “But personally, I think the whole world knew them niggaz was gay.”

Taylor’s hearing is scheduled for July 5.