NY Court of Appeals Affirms Ruling that Brooklyn Man is Blackest in World

By Savannah Johnson, Contributing Reporter

ALBANY -- A Brooklyn man is the center of a great deal of judicial controversy as he claims he is not the blackest man in the world. His claim has been disputed by Jeffery Gould of Park Slope, Brooklyn who says he was robbed in broad daylight by “the blackest man in the world.” Gould told the Solicitor, “it was unbelievable. In the middle of Grand Army Plaza, tons of people and he robs me! No, he didn’t have a gun or a knife, but if you saw the blackest man in the world you’d empty your pockets too.”

The case has made it to the New York Court of Appeals, the highest court in the state, to determine whether the man is the blackest man in the world, and therefore if he robbed Gould. The Supreme Court, and Appellate Division, the lower courts in New York, both ruled in favor of the noticeably light-skin Gould. “It’s not about race, well I guess it is. But I have no problem with negroes or Afro-Americans, whatever… This guy was different. He was so black he absorbed all light surrounding him. It was crazy.”

The accused, who’s identity was withheld because the Solicitor could not make out his face or name on the photocopied drivers license he carried, was outraged by the accusation and the case. “How can I be the blackest man in the world? Has this court seen Wesley Snipes or that guy from Blood Diamond? They both make Forrest Whittaker look like Michael Jackson!” The man testified, to no avail, that he was not even in Brooklyn that day, but was in Cambodia on an educational trip.

The Court of Appeals did not believe the man’s testimony, and in an opinion written by Chief Justice Berman, affirmed the ruling that the man was blacker than anyone else they had ever seen, including both Mr. Snipes and Mr. Hounsou (co-star of blood diamond). A clerk for Justice Berman said that the court first had to determine what the criterion were for “blackness” and decided to use a standard paint swatch method. The clerk went to Lowes, brought in their brown-black paint swatches, and determined that the Brooklyn man was “holy shit black” while Snipes and Hounsou were merely “daaaamn black”. Justice Berman was glad he decided the case saying, “now I have some handy swatches to decide what color to paint my foyer.”