By Harrison Meritt, Contributing Reporter
CAMBRIDGE, MA-- A recent Harvard study has announced that Harvard Law 2L Regina DiMatto is fat, and not, as reported earlier, pregnant.
The study was commissioned by an interested group of second year students who noticed DiMatto returned to Cambridge with "at least 20 or 30 extra pounds,” said Rebecca Goldwater. DiMatto, age 36, was long considered that weird old lady who always kept to herself.
Many hoped that her impending pregnancy would give the hard-working loner notoriety and friendship. "I was really hoping she was pregnant. No one's going to want to do Moot Court with her now that we all know she's just fat,” Goldwater said.
The study, commenced by two Harvard sociology graduate students, was done mainly by trial and error. Aaron Washburn, one of the two students, reportedly approached DiMatto and said “congratulations!” When DiMatta asked “for what”, Washburn said “your pregnancy...” DiMatto stared off, puzzled, and then began to slowly sob as she walked away. "I took that to mean for sure she was just fat," Washburn told the Solicitor.
This study comes off the heels of a similar fact-finding study done one week prior investigating whether that old guy who always sat in the back and slept had died in the summer between first and second year. "The answer was a definitive yes," said Washburn. "He died of a heart attack after failing torts."
The study, commenced by two Harvard sociology graduate students, was done mainly by trial and error. Aaron Washburn, one of the two students, reportedly approached DiMatto and said “congratulations!” When DiMatta asked “for what”, Washburn said “your pregnancy...” DiMatto stared off, puzzled, and then began to slowly sob as she walked away. "I took that to mean for sure she was just fat," Washburn told the Solicitor.
This study comes off the heels of a similar fact-finding study done one week prior investigating whether that old guy who always sat in the back and slept had died in the summer between first and second year. "The answer was a definitive yes," said Washburn. "He died of a heart attack after failing torts."
