By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor
FLINT, MI -- Junior associate Liam Pearson is in serious but stable condition following a physical altercation with Jansen & Healy senior partner Oliver F. Healy Thursday afternoon. After learning that Pearson allowed the Michigan Statute of Limitations to expire on a potential million-dollar lawsuit, Healy, in a fit of hormonal rage, seized Pearson by the throat, bent him over an office desk and swiftly kicked Pearson in the ass, ripping the associate’s pants and undergarments, and impaling his anus with size-13 leather Topman shoes. Healy attempted to remove his foot from his associate’s anus, but was stunned to realize his left foot was firmly lodged in Pearson’s gastrointestinal tract. A firm paralegal, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told the Solicitor, “we always called Pearson a tight ass, but who knew his ass was that tight?”
Pearson was taken to Michigan Mercy Hospital after emergency workers worked for 3 hours to remove Healy’s left foot and ankle. Emergency responders say that Pearson suffered very severe effects from the penetrating anal trauma of Healy’s Vinatieri-inspired blow. “I’ve been in this business for 17 years, and never have I seen a man’s foot that deep in another man’s ass. Sure I’ve removed carrots, guns, and iPads from asses before, but those were all pretty standard compared to this,” said emergency responder Amy Heigarden.
Flint, like many cities in America with real fucking problems, rarely brings criminal prosecutions for altercations involving attorneys, specifically partner-associate incidents. Healy, when asked if he felt he felt lucky to evade criminal charges, told the Solicitor, “I don’t feel lucky at all. That little shit cost us 2 million and ruined one of my favorite pair of shoes. I feel like he got off easy.” Healy is standing firm on the position that he was justified in his action. “He’s just a fucking associate. He’s an ant. No, he’s smaller than an ant. He's more like a tick or flea with a foot up his ass." 