How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season: Racists

J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

'How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season' is an editorial series dedicated to giving Americans legal tips for the upcoming weeks. Each segment will target a specific demographic and give related legal advice.

Many of you, like myself, are racists. Undoubtedly, some of you racists will be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in a couple weeks. There are a few legal tips you should keep in mind when throwing back that eggnog and reminiscing about the time before that Guatemalan family moved in down the street.

On Assault: For the next few weeks try not to physically assault any African Americans or Jewish people. During Hanukkah and Kwanzaa (is that a real holiday?) refrain from your usual taunting and menacing. Any crimes committed against these groups in the next few weeks might be considered hate crimes, which carry lengthier jail times. Additionally, hate crimes are usually federal crimes, which means that your local sheriff (and Klan brother) can’t get you off. As a general rule wait until a couple weeks after New Year’s day to do your assaulting on minorities.

On Jesus and Santa: Racists, I urge you, do not (and I mean DO NOT) remove or destroy any portrayals of Jesus or Santa that are not white. Sure it looks weird and wrong, but people tend to call the police when you go around breaking their lawn ornaments. If the Robinson or Jackson family wants to think Christ had an Afro or listened to Dr. Dre so be it. They’ll see when (if) they get to heaven.

On Pollyanna: Fellow racists, when someone at the office suggests they you all do a Pollyanna (Secret Santa) do not bring in a gift that demonstrates your racism. Believe it or not, a Confederate flag is not one of those ‘universal’ gifts that everyone will love. If you’re getting a gift for Maria, the accountant your pretty sure is Hispanic or Italian, a copy of Mein Kampf is probably out of place.

Upcoming Segments of ‘How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season’ include Alcoholics, Southerners, Gays, Strippers, Middle-Class Black People and more.

Soda Giants File Joint Suit Against R.C. Cola For Being Shitty Competitor

By Jason Gomes, Contributing Reporter

ATLANTA --In a strange legal move, soft drink conglomerates Coca-Cola and Pepsi have sued RC Cola in Georgia civil court for being a half-assed competitor. Pepsi CEO Thomas Banning was puzzled as to why “those mother fuckers” are still in business. “Why do they still make that shit? Have you ever been to a party where someone gives you RC Cola? No. You haven’t. And if someone did give you that bullshit, you’d be offended. Fact.”

In a rant on NPR last week Coca-Cola chief executive Dan Higginbotham railed the feeble excuse of a soda. “The basis of our great economy is competition and with RC Cola around they’re just making this too easy. Even if we lose one of those stupid taste tests to Pepsi, we always have the fallback ‘oh, well at least we’re not RC Cola!’”

Legal counsel for both companies say they plan to show definitive evidence that RC Cola is “terrible in every way imaginable”. From accusations of human rights abuse to their awful, 1970’s style logo, Coca-Cola and Pepsi are confident that this case will be the last straw for the nearly bankrupt mom-and-pop soda company. In a statement made by their legal counsel, RC Cola plans to defend its company and honor in the suit. “We’re just glad we’re not Mecca Cola… dumbasses.”

Fed. Gov’t Creates More Efficient Way for Law Students to Accumulate 200k in Debt

By Erin Davies

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a measure to ensure that law students accumulate the standard $200,000 in debt by the end of their first year, the federal government has started the Debt First Program. Debt First will force first year students to spend over $200,000 in lent money in a little under 12 months. Students are free to spend on housing, electronics, and anything else a person in their early 20’s can think of. Kim Peterson, a first year studying law at the University of Pittsburgh says she spent her loan in 2 weeks. “First I rented a helicopter, and then I flew it to New York. I paid two homeless guys to make out, and then I went to the Coach store and bought this awesome bag, but then I lost it when we bought out a subway car and threw a rave. It was awesome, I never knew I could accumulate that much debt so fast. It’s great!”

The government got the idea from innovative Las Vegas and Atlantic City casinos who have managed to create a more direct way to get players’ money without actually gambling. “What we’ve done is actually just put out a collection bucket so people don’t have to waste their time gambling. They can just give us the money up front and walk away,” said Arnold Comiskey, owner of the Sands Casino Holding Co. “Another thing we’ve done is we’ve allowed players to create a joint account with our casinos so that they can just transfer the money online before they even get to our casinos. It cuts out the middle man and the wait time.”

President Obama, a graduate of Harvard Law, said that it was agonizing that he had to wait 3 whole years to accumulate that much debt. “This program is going to cut down the time kids have to wait to be in debt. Debt is a very American thing, and we’re glad to help these students get it so quickly.”

In Savvy Legal Move, Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino Changes Name

By Brandon Giordano, Junior Editor

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ -- In what might be the most arbitrary and callous legal maneuver ever attempted by a reality TV star, Mike Sorrentino has legally changed his nickname from “The Situation” to “The Stipulation”. Sorrentino was arrested two months ago for indecent exposure and public drunkenness for his alcohol and steroid fueled boardwalk rampage. He broke three barstools, had sex with one woman and one grenade, and simulated lewd sexual acts with a stuffed animal in front of a popular taffy shop.

Sorrentino was called into the Ocean County courthouse to face his charges and his lawyer recommended that he stop using the name “The Situation”. “My lawyer, he was like ‘yo you def shouldn’t use that name any more, it gives the wrong image’ and shit. And I was like ‘bull shit! I ain’t changing nothin’.’ But then we got in the court room and the judge asked if anyone had stipulations, and I thought, ‘THAT’S A BAD ASS NAME.’ So it stuck.”

After consulting Black’s Law Legal Dictionary, and asking someone to read it for him, Sorrentino said that the name, meaning agreement in Latin, was perfect . “Me and girls stipulate all the time to do stuff, so it makes sense.” In an exclusive interview with the Solicitor, Sorrentino said that he expects to make a new reality series based off his new legal persona. “I’m basically a lawyer now, so like, they need to get me a new show. They can call it ‘My Balls in Your Court’ or something hot like that. That shit would be DOPE!”

The Solicitor sought comment from Sorrentino’s cast-mates from Jersey Shore, to see how they feel about their friend’s name change. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, said that the name change was welcome because Sorrentino had stopped living up to his name. “He called himself the Situation, but he ain’t no situation. He’s more like a… um… uh you know…  like not a situation…”

Ronnie Ortiz-Margo, known simply as Ronnie, was asked for comment but declined to share his feelings on the issue. When our reporter pressed him for an answer and accidentally challenged Ortiz-Margo’s manhood, the Jersey Shore cast member walked away, only to run back and punch the reporter in his fucking face. Ronnie rejoiced, “one shot, kid! One shot!” as he walked back down the boardwalk.

The reporter attempted to file charges, but was denied relief when an attorney informed him that according to New Jersey Penal Code 324.5(a)6)(i), a person can use any amount of retaliatory force when, “a motherfucker calls you out on the boardwalk in front of your broad.” The clause in the penal code was written by Reverend John Witherspoon, founder of Princeton University and signer of the Declaration of Independence. When Sorrentino was asked about the incident, he said, “the Stipulation ain’t got no comment, although from that video I saw, Ronnie got him good, right in his dumbass reporter face.”

NY Court of Appeals Affirms Ruling that Brooklyn Man is Blackest in World

By Savannah Johnson, Contributing Reporter

ALBANY -- A Brooklyn man is the center of a great deal of judicial controversy as he claims he is not the blackest man in the world. His claim has been disputed by Jeffery Gould of Park Slope, Brooklyn who says he was robbed in broad daylight by “the blackest man in the world.” Gould told the Solicitor, “it was unbelievable. In the middle of Grand Army Plaza, tons of people and he robs me! No, he didn’t have a gun or a knife, but if you saw the blackest man in the world you’d empty your pockets too.”

The case has made it to the New York Court of Appeals, the highest court in the state, to determine whether the man is the blackest man in the world, and therefore if he robbed Gould. The Supreme Court, and Appellate Division, the lower courts in New York, both ruled in favor of the noticeably light-skin Gould. “It’s not about race, well I guess it is. But I have no problem with negroes or Afro-Americans, whatever… This guy was different. He was so black he absorbed all light surrounding him. It was crazy.”

The accused, who’s identity was withheld because the Solicitor could not make out his face or name on the photocopied drivers license he carried, was outraged by the accusation and the case. “How can I be the blackest man in the world? Has this court seen Wesley Snipes or that guy from Blood Diamond? They both make Forrest Whittaker look like Michael Jackson!” The man testified, to no avail, that he was not even in Brooklyn that day, but was in Cambodia on an educational trip.

The Court of Appeals did not believe the man’s testimony, and in an opinion written by Chief Justice Berman, affirmed the ruling that the man was blacker than anyone else they had ever seen, including both Mr. Snipes and Mr. Hounsou (co-star of blood diamond). A clerk for Justice Berman said that the court first had to determine what the criterion were for “blackness” and decided to use a standard paint swatch method. The clerk went to Lowes, brought in their brown-black paint swatches, and determined that the Brooklyn man was “holy shit black” while Snipes and Hounsou were merely “daaaamn black”. Justice Berman was glad he decided the case saying, “now I have some handy swatches to decide what color to paint my foyer.”

Kowalski: Judge, Humanitarian, & Awesome Dude

By Dan Newgrove

PHILADELPHIA -- Judge Aaron Kowalski, who has served the City of Philadelphia for just over 5 years in his capacity as a municipal justice, admits that he finds little time to enjoy the life he used to live. “With my work encompassing so much time now and with my kids in high school, I don’t have as much time as I used to for golf or relaxation.” It was after this realization that Judge Kowalski took the advice of a long time friend and peer. “Judge Oliver told me in times like these to make the courtroom more fun, just to release some stress.”

Kowalski soon followed his friends suggestions. “At first I would do things like go on my computer and play Farm Ville or talk on my phone while the attorneys were questioning witnesses. Soon I realized that I was just taking everything way too seriously. At first I put in a little putting green behind the bench, and then I built a full driving range out of the other rooms on the 8^th floor.”

Kowalski’s stress relieving changes did not go over well with all. Mayor Michael Nutter said that any renovation to municipal property had to be approved by a board and that, “Kowalski’s just being an ass. He won’t let me or any of the judges play at the range. I get this sweet new hybrid driver for my birthday and I have to trek all the way out to City Ave. just to test it out. He’s just a jerk.”

Despite the mayor’s objections and obvious jealousy, Judge Kowalski holds firm that all judges should seek similar stress relieving methods. “If you want to toke up while the jury is out to lunch, go ahead! You’re the judge! You decide who goes to jail, right?!”

Divorce Lawyer Accused of Malpractice for Quoting Jack McCoy Too Many "Goddamn" Times

By Jared H. Daley

BRIDGEPORT -- Connecticut divorce attorney Allen Falkirk was accused of malpractice by his client for quoting Sam Waterston’s Law & Order character, Jack McCoy, eight times in a divorce proceeding. Falkirk’s client, Grant Mathewson and his wife of 12 years were separating following a boating incident in which the couple’s young son was killed. In the divorce proceeding Falkirk rebuffed Mrs. Mathewson’s claims of negligence by her husband by repeatedly yelling, “you son of a bitch! You played me!,” an infamous McCoy line. Mrs. Mathewson’s attorney then asked if Falkirk would like a recess. Falkirk responded in typical McCoy style saying, “never get Freudian with a man holding a pickle.” Seeing the perplexed looks on the faces of the judge, opposing counsel, and the Mathewsons, Falkirk quickly interjected, “I remember how hard it was when I realized my father was a son of a bitch.”

Much of the Mathewson family's possessions were granted to Mrs. Mathewson, and Mr. Mathewson is irate over the incident. “He couldn’t just quote Detective Briscoe? Sure it wouldn’t have made any sense, but at least his one liners are memorable and funny!” Falkirk apologized for the uncharacteristic outbursts blaming a weekend marathon of “The Best of Jack McCoy” on TNT. “They really should warn you when you watch that show. One moment I’m in court and arguing that my client should get the frequent flier miles and then next thing I know I’m screaming ‘stupidity isn’t a defense to murder’ at the judge.” Falkirk did find some silver lining in the incident, saying that “in the end it didn’t really matter. He was banging the housekeeper anyway, and I’m pretty sure his wife knew.”

When asked about the incident, Waterston, who played McCoy for almost 20 years on TV, said that it was not the first time he had heard about lawyers doing this after a weekend marathon. "I used to quote my character in my sleep. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be at a funeral and say, 'your grief might seem a little more real had you not just admitted you cut off your wife's head.' That guy in Bridgeport just lost track of reality, but honestly I could care less now. I'm doing those TD Bank commercials and I don't have to deal with that dick Fred Thompson anymore."

Aspiring Chef Picks Up Second Job as Law Student to Pay for Culinary Training

By Dwight Fuld

QUEENS -- As a recent Yale graduate and the son of Chinese immigrants, Michael Liu has had to make a number of important decisions in his young life. Liu is now faced with his most perplexing decision yet: how to tell his parents he does not want to work in their restaurant. Liu says he was very tempted to forgo his admission to Yale undergrad to stay around his home in Queens, New York to help in his parents’ Chinese restaurant, but ultimately decided to go to school, promising his parents that when he returned, he would go back to the kitchen.

Now, hoping to move out of his parents’ basement, he has decided to attend law school at New York University, but he’s not quite sure how to break the news to his parents. “My parents feel like I owe it to them to stay in the kitchen and care for them when they get older just because they raised me for 17 years. It doesn’t seem all that fair to me,” Liu said in an email to the Solicitor. “For now, I’m going to tell them I’m going to law school to earn more money for my training as a cook. I doubt they’ll buy it, but it’s better than when I told them I was going to a 4 years summer camp when I got into Yale.” When asked if he will miss his Flushing, Queens neighborhood, Liu replied, “ARE YOU SERIOUS? My parents asked me the same thing when I went to Yale. I’m going to NYU. It’s like 50 minutes away on the train, AND there’s like 3 Chinatowns in this city.”

Embattled Partner Says Reports of Vacation “Fivesome” are Exaggerated

By Alex Dougherty, Contributing Reporter

BALTIMORE -- Thomas Lindenwold, of the Baltimore firm Lindenwold Garrett & Franklin, has recently refuted allegations made by some of the firm’s junior associates that Lindenwold had a “fivesome” while vacationing in Las Vegas. Lindenwold, a founding partner of the firm, has been in practice for over 35 years and is a husband and father of 3.

He recently went to Las Vegas for the International College of Trial Lawyers of America where he was among those inducted into its class of 2010. Unbeknownst to Lindenwold, two of his junior associates were also in Las Vegas, on an unrelated vacation. They claim to have seen the married Lindenwold return to his suite with no less than 5 girls. Lindenwold, in a firm-wide email, denied the fivesome saying that the allegations we false and that, “there were no more than three, maybe four girls." Lindenwold continued, "[f]ive? Really? Who do you think I am, Charlie Sheen?! And if there were five, so what? I was blackout drunk, but I remember I only had sex with three of them because one or two of the others weren’t 15 yet.” When Lindenwold was reminded by a fellow partner that the age of consent in Nevada was 16, he stood firm by his denial of any wrongdoing and expressed his pleasure with his induction to the College. At the conclusion of his email, the 67 year old partner urged his fellow attorneys to "get off his dick", and to "stop bitching" if they wanted to keep their jobs.

The College honors those trial lawyers who have somehow managed to last more than 20 years doing trial work. Lindenwold describes his job as “rewarding and hard as shit.” The College traditionally chooses exotic locations for its meetings to provide a relief from the stress involved in trial work. In the past 3 years the inductions have been held in Punta Cana, Ibiza, and most recently Amsterdam. Lindenwold recalls (barely) the last induction fondly. “I was there for Rob’s (Robert Garrett) induction and we did mushrooms right before they made it illegal. Absolutely awesome. Did you know they let you put mayo on your fries? Crazy fucking Dutch, they let you do whatever the hell you want.”