How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season: Racists

J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

'How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season' is an editorial series dedicated to giving Americans legal tips for the upcoming weeks. Each segment will target a specific demographic and give related legal advice.

Many of you, like myself, are racists. Undoubtedly, some of you racists will be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in a couple weeks. There are a few legal tips you should keep in mind when throwing back that eggnog and reminiscing about the time before that Guatemalan family moved in down the street.

On Assault: For the next few weeks try not to physically assault any African Americans or Jewish people. During Hanukkah and Kwanzaa (is that a real holiday?) refrain from your usual taunting and menacing. Any crimes committed against these groups in the next few weeks might be considered hate crimes, which carry lengthier jail times. Additionally, hate crimes are usually federal crimes, which means that your local sheriff (and Klan brother) can’t get you off. As a general rule wait until a couple weeks after New Year’s day to do your assaulting on minorities.

On Jesus and Santa: Racists, I urge you, do not (and I mean DO NOT) remove or destroy any portrayals of Jesus or Santa that are not white. Sure it looks weird and wrong, but people tend to call the police when you go around breaking their lawn ornaments. If the Robinson or Jackson family wants to think Christ had an Afro or listened to Dr. Dre so be it. They’ll see when (if) they get to heaven.

On Pollyanna: Fellow racists, when someone at the office suggests they you all do a Pollyanna (Secret Santa) do not bring in a gift that demonstrates your racism. Believe it or not, a Confederate flag is not one of those ‘universal’ gifts that everyone will love. If you’re getting a gift for Maria, the accountant your pretty sure is Hispanic or Italian, a copy of Mein Kampf is probably out of place.

Upcoming Segments of ‘How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season’ include Alcoholics, Southerners, Gays, Strippers, Middle-Class Black People and more.