Second Tier School Laments Admission of Preppy Douches

By Amy Redman, Contributing Reporter

BRISTOL, RI-- Dr. William Harrison, dean at the Roger Williams University School of Law, recently issued a statement of apology to his staff and students. The apology stemmed from an incident of unfortunate boat shoes that caused the death of 14 students and two members of the janitorial staff. 

Witnesses say that Baxter Haggerty, a first year student from Greenwich, CT, was in the student lounge smoking a 1.3g marijuana cigarette when the ash fell on the Sperry Topsiders of another student, Jacob Ramsey, of Morristown, NJ. Ramsey’s boat shoes were then instantaneously engulfed in what onlookers described as a “ball of douchy fire”. The fire quickly spread from Ramsey’s shoes to the Polo apparel of the thirteen other students in the lounge and two janitors cleaning up the mess of the “ungrateful bastards”.

“This event is tragic and unfortunate, and the blame falls squarely on our school. It was our decision to accept those BMW-driving idiots. From now on we'll do some face-to-face interviews to eliminate this preppy, douche-filled plague,” Dean Harrison said in an email titled “My Bad”. Officials from Sperry headquarters in Lexington, MA said that the shoes are not normally flammable, but when exposed to trace amounts of arrogance, entitlement, and selfishness the shoes can be deadly.