Bosh Sues Avatar Director Cameron for Illegal Use of Likeness

By Allen Hutton 

MIAMI -- NBA Superstar Chris Bosh has filed a suit against director James Cameron for illegally using his likeness in the 3-D shitshow, Avatar. Lawyers for Bosh claim that Cameron purposefully designed the indigenous Na’vi after Bosh, and has failed to pay any royalties. “It’s pretty clear that he took Chris’s facial and body structure and made the characters blue, like we wouldn’t notice.” Bosh’s suit follows the precedent established by a verdict for former NBA star Charles Barkley, who sued director Tim Story for his use of Barkley’s likeness in his depiction of The Thing in the film Fantastic Four. “I hope Chris gets what dey owe him. It’s just not right. It’s turrrible,” Barkley said when asked for his opinion on Bosh’s lawsuit.

Bosh recently signed a contract extension with his new team the Miami Heat. The contract, worth $96M over 5 years is just not enough to sustain the lavish life style to which NBA players are accustomed. “I mean, sure it’s a lot of money, but is it enough? You’ve heard what [Latrell] Spreewell said, ‘I can’t feed my family on a million dollars!’” Bosh said in a statement through his lawyers. Cameron has adamantly denied any wrongdoing and through a spokesperson suggested a number of places Bosh and his legal counsel could “shove their case.”

City’s Legal Community Struck with Plague of Apathy

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

BOSTON -- The entire legal community of Boston has become extremely apathetic towards their profession and education due to a strain of Parisian Apathy. The virus, contracted through overexposure to European labor and education strikes, has put a halt to judicial proceedings, law classes, and firm Christmas parties across the city. Municipal judges throughout Suffolk County have taken indefinite recess, and my fear that they may not return to work for some time. Allen Thomas of Roxbury was arrested last week for assault but has not been arraigned. “I got to the courtroom and the judge just sat there, watching TV. I asked my lawyer to do something about it, but he just pulled out his cell phone and played brick breaker.”

At Harvard, law professors have reportedly given their students a number of excuses as to why classes will not be held. In an email to his second year class, Professor David Chaim said that his wife had, “DVR’ed a great episode of Mythbusters,” and that it was, “too windy to have class.” First year student Jenny Cavello says that most of the students are not surprised by the class cancellations. “Most of us have been apathetic towards this stuff since we got here. I haven’t opened a book or taken notes in months, and frankly I don’t care…”

The host of the virus is believed to be a Boston University law student, Shawna White, who visited her boyfriend in Paris over Thanksgiving break. While there she witnessed students at Sorbonne strike over class hours, Metro workers strike over wages, and gypsies strike over the weather. “It was all kind of weird, especially when the riot police showed up and started using pepper spray. At first I was concerned, but then I was consumed with this very European feeling of ‘fuck it’.”

Parisian Apathy has struck the United States before with far more damaging consequences. It has often appeared months, weeks, and sometimes days before the outbreak of war. The epidemics of 1775, 1863, and 1908 were all followed by overwhelming victories by those who actually gave a shit. The most notable example is undeniably the strain of Parisian Apathy that caused the legal and political communities of England and the United States to allow Hitler to invade Czechoslovakia and Poland. After the end of World War II, Prime Minister Winston Churchill was quoted as saying, “I’m not really sure why, but we just didn’t give a rat’s ass until he started bombing London. Even then, we still weren’t sure we wanted to do anything.”

Mississippi Jury Returns $6.3M Verdict for Non-Consensual Haircut, Circumcision

By Harris Freer

JACKSON, MI -- A Mississippi man was awarded over $6 million by a jury in a crushing blow to hair chain giant Supercuts. The man, Andrew LeBatte of Spring Arbor, MI went into the downtown Jackson Supercuts for the Gustavo Cut (pictured right) but was erroneously given the Mike Cut. “I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t. I mean I plainly point to the one with the Mexican or Spanish kid with the flipped up Mohawk thing and they give me this fruity cut with blonde streaks.”

Furthermore, as stylist Deandra Ackerman applied the fruity blonde streaks to LeBatte’s hair, she mistakenly circumcised the 26-year old man. “I got totally confused. I had the electric clippers in one hand and the Gomco circumcisers in the other, and I mixed everything up. One moment I’m clipping his sideburns and the next thing I know I’m trimming his junk.” Ackerman, who also performs circumcisions for the El-Shabbat Jewish Reform Temple in Jackson was extremely remorseful about removing her customer’s foreskin and offered a free lollipop as compensation.

Second Tier School Laments Admission of Preppy Douches

By Amy Redman, Contributing Reporter

BRISTOL, RI-- Dr. William Harrison, dean at the Roger Williams University School of Law, recently issued a statement of apology to his staff and students. The apology stemmed from an incident of unfortunate boat shoes that caused the death of 14 students and two members of the janitorial staff. 

Witnesses say that Baxter Haggerty, a first year student from Greenwich, CT, was in the student lounge smoking a 1.3g marijuana cigarette when the ash fell on the Sperry Topsiders of another student, Jacob Ramsey, of Morristown, NJ. Ramsey’s boat shoes were then instantaneously engulfed in what onlookers described as a “ball of douchy fire”. The fire quickly spread from Ramsey’s shoes to the Polo apparel of the thirteen other students in the lounge and two janitors cleaning up the mess of the “ungrateful bastards”.

“This event is tragic and unfortunate, and the blame falls squarely on our school. It was our decision to accept those BMW-driving idiots. From now on we'll do some face-to-face interviews to eliminate this preppy, douche-filled plague,” Dean Harrison said in an email titled “My Bad”. Officials from Sperry headquarters in Lexington, MA said that the shoes are not normally flammable, but when exposed to trace amounts of arrogance, entitlement, and selfishness the shoes can be deadly.