Lesbians Underpay for Walmart Baby

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

Two Boston lesbians are in Suffolk County family court today to plead for continued custody of 18 month old Justin Perham. Female life partners Kia Monroe and Christa Siparello have had custody over the small child since a June 12th incident at a local Walmart. “We were just walking the aisles, looking for men’s razors,  and saw this baby sitting on the ground playing with lead pipes. We decided to take him in and teach him our way.” 

What the lesbian couple sees as an act of pure generosity and love  is being framed as an illegal abduction by the child’s biological parents,  Harry and Lisa Perham. The Perhams have requested that the child be returned to their custody immediately. Speaking to the Solicitor, through their attorney Lionel Hutz, the parents maintained that they were simply letting their child play with Walmart’s Chinese-made lead-based toys when the two women stole the child. “Clearly we cannot allow lesbians to walk into stores and just take children- that’s what Africa is for.” Hutz also stated that the Perhams were further infuriated to learn that Monroe and Siparello had not paid proper market value for the baby. “They somehow got out of that store only paying $150 for that baby.  A white, blonde hair, blue eyed American baby should cost upwards of $100,000. I mean, he’s not Dominican.”

Monroe and Siparello maintain their innocence and their counsel intends to demonstrate the “blatant homophobia” the court would endorse by finding in the Perhams’ favor. “This is simply a case of America not wanting these women to be who they are. America doesn't care if Neo Nazis or Mormons raise children, but as soon as two lesbians buy a baby everyone wants to remember their morals.”