Soda Giants File Joint Suit Against R.C. Cola For Being Shitty Competitor

By Jason Gomes, Contributing Reporter

ATLANTA --In a strange legal move, soft drink conglomerates Coca-Cola and Pepsi have sued RC Cola in Georgia civil court for being a half-assed competitor. Pepsi CEO Thomas Banning was puzzled as to why “those mother fuckers” are still in business. “Why do they still make that shit? Have you ever been to a party where someone gives you RC Cola? No. You haven’t. And if someone did give you that bullshit, you’d be offended. Fact.”

In a rant on NPR last week Coca-Cola chief executive Dan Higginbotham railed the feeble excuse of a soda. “The basis of our great economy is competition and with RC Cola around they’re just making this too easy. Even if we lose one of those stupid taste tests to Pepsi, we always have the fallback ‘oh, well at least we’re not RC Cola!’”

Legal counsel for both companies say they plan to show definitive evidence that RC Cola is “terrible in every way imaginable”. From accusations of human rights abuse to their awful, 1970’s style logo, Coca-Cola and Pepsi are confident that this case will be the last straw for the nearly bankrupt mom-and-pop soda company. In a statement made by their legal counsel, RC Cola plans to defend its company and honor in the suit. “We’re just glad we’re not Mecca Cola… dumbasses.”