Georgia to Abolish Death Penalty; To Continue to Fuck Over Minorities

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor


ATLANTA-- Under scrutiny following the intensely watched execution of death-row inmate Troy Davis, both houses of the Georgia State legislature have passed a resolution abolishing the State's longstanding tradition of capital punishment.


Davis' case was thrust into the national spotlight after he was denied a further stay of execution. His execution received condemnation from activist groups such as the NAACP, former President Jimmy Carter, and from former US Representative Bob Barr (R), a well-known conservative from Georgia. "There was simply too much guilt," Barr said. "It just goes to show you, in Georgia, they will fry anything." 


The resolution, if signed by Governor Nathan Real (R), would make Georgia the 15th state in the country to remove capital punishment, and the first in the kill-happy zone many refer to as the Bible Belt of United States. 


Senate President and Lieutenant Governor Casey Cagle (R) told the Solicitor that leaders now understand the moral consequences involved in the state-sponsored execution of another human being. 


"This gross practice, long since curtailed in states and countries far and near, has come to symbolize our lack of compassion, and has not, as the great writer once said, stood as a beacon of our civility. 


"For more than three centuries, this State has used capital punishment as a deterrent to murder, but the Blacks keep killing each other, and more importantly, white people. It's time for us to move on and find another method.


"After watching several episodes of the HBO series OZ, it seems that Black and Hispanic men fear ass-rape more than death, so in place of capital punishment, we will mandate the public, systematic sexual violation of criminals." 


Cagle denies that this strategy conflicts with human rights statues against rape and torture saying, "honestly, we've been fucking them over for 400 years now, it's about time we put it on the books."

Oops: That Lady in Your Law Class Is Fat, Not Pregnant

By Harrison Meritt, Contributing Reporter

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- A recent Harvard study has announced that Harvard Law 2L Regina DiMatto is fat, and not, as reported earlier, pregnant. 

The study was commissioned by an interested group of second year students who noticed DiMatto returned to Cambridge with "at least 20 or 30 extra pounds,” said Rebecca Goldwater. DiMatto, age 36, was long considered that weird old lady who always kept to herself. 

Many hoped that her impending pregnancy would give the hard-working loner notoriety and friendship. "I was really hoping she was pregnant. No one's going to want to do Moot Court with her now that we all know she's just fat,” Goldwater said.

The study, commenced by two Harvard sociology graduate students, was done mainly by trial and error. Aaron Washburn, one of the two students, reportedly approached DiMatto and said “congratulations!” When DiMatta asked “for what”, Washburn said “your pregnancy...” DiMatto stared off, puzzled, and then began to slowly sob as she walked away. "I took that to mean for sure she was just fat," Washburn told the Solicitor.

This study comes off the heels of a similar fact-finding study done one week prior investigating whether that old guy who always sat in the back and slept had died in the summer between first and second year. "The answer was a definitive yes," said Washburn. "He died of a heart attack after failing torts."

New Law Requires Poor Youth to Riot Before Soccer Matches-- Not After

By Armando Guevara, Contributing Reporter

SAO PAULO-- In preparation for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, the country’s federal legislative body, the Congresso Nacional, has enacted a new law demanding that the poor, restless youth  riot, loot, pillage, and murder, before soccer matches, and not after, as is the norm. 

Soccer rioting has become common place in Brazil, particularly in the southern cities of Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paulo. President Lula da Silva says that the measure is meant to limit the damage, violence, and human trafficking associated with soccer riots. 

"We have to find an appropriate level of murder and rape. These are young men who do not have jobs, or hope, or morals. They do have knives and guns, however. We need to give them an appropriate outlet to express themselves. Allowing riots before matches is a sure-fire way to guarantee minimal damage to the wealthy white people of our lovely country."

While Da Silva champions the effort as a means to minimize damage, there are those across the country, that see the new law as a means to disassociate rioting with soccer. According to Ruben Dos Santos, founder of futebolriots.com, a non-profit website dedicated to promoting proper rioting, the law is attempting to change the culture of the sport. 

"I have no idea why they want to move the riots to before the matches. It can only have negative consequences. Will the angry, poverty-stricken youth have a means to destroy and vandalize? Yes. But is that what this is really about?

"This is Brazil. We're a civilized country. We don't riot in the streets for no good reason. We riot because our soccer team lost a game. Without the post-game riots, men might go home and beat their wives or children out of anger. In the Brazil I know and love, we beat other peoples' wives and children."

Rupert Murdoch Saved by Crouching Tiger Star Michell Yeoh Look-Alike

Darren Carragher, Contributing Reporter

LONDON-- Rupert Murdoch appeared before the Commons Select Committee for the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, along with his son James, to testify about the recent phone hacking scandal by Murdoch's former newspaper, News of the World. 

While Murdoch sat before the committee, slowly dying of old age and hubris, an onlooker, reported to be English activist, Jonnie Marbles, rushed the media mogul and attempted to hit him with a shaving cream pie. 

Luckily, Murdoch's wife, Wendi Deng Murdoch, an infamous look-alike of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon star Michell Yeoh, intervened to stop the attacker. Reports from witnesses say that Deng Murdoch flew through the air at least 30 feet in a single bound and landed a single drop kick to the attacker's face, instantly crushing Marbles' nose bone. 

  

"Absolutely amazing, is all I have to say about that," said MP Louise Mensch.

"That woman has one hell of a left foot. You'd think that after years of living in the States, and having sex with a geriatric Australian she wouldn't have that spring left in her bounce, but clearly she's dedicated to both her husband's protection and public displays of Chinese martial arts."

Those closest to Murdoch say that he and the Chinese-born Deng married for many reasons, such as to ease entrance in to the Chinese media market, to appear more culturally diverse, and most of all for personal security.

"Rupert knew that although Wendi was an Ivy League educated woman she retained a profound respect and admiration for the martial arts of her native land. As a decrepit and frail man, despised by millions around the world, he knew that there would come a point when his life would be threatened," said a close confidant of Murdoch's who asked the Solicitor to remain unnamed.

Murdoch and Deng married in 1999, and they have two children together. Rupert's eldest two children, Prudence and Elisabeth Murdoch, both of which are older than Wendi Deng Murdoch, were never supportive of the marriage, but are thankful for Deng's martial prowess.

"She and my father may not have been married for the right reasons, but she did stand up for him admirably. She showed more spine than my little shit half-brother James," said Elisabeth Murdoch. 

"In the end, I think some of the criticism [Wendi] has received is shameful. Is it fair to call her a gold digging temptress? No, I don't believe it is. 

"Is it fair to call her a gold digging Chinese temptress who knows karate? Maybe. It's really for the public to decide."

Prosecutors Demoted to Minor Leagues After Losing Casey Anthony Trial

By Erin Davis

WASHINGTON-- The pressure of the big stage was too much for the Orange County District Attorney's Office as Casey Anthony was acquitted of the homicide of her daughter, Caylee Anthony last week. Anthony's acquittal sparked rumors around the legal world that the prosecutors in that case might be sent down to the minors, and the Solicitor can now confirm this to be true. Anthony, already convicted, shot, hanged, and quartered in the court of public opinion, skirted past the prosecutors’ makeshift theories and legal mumbo-jumbo. 

“When this office spouts mumbo-jumbo, it’s supposed to be efficient and effective. The lead prosecutor’s was neither,” said presiding Judge Belvin Perry.

The lead prosecutor, Jeffery Ashton, was among the four sent to Florida’s legal minor league. “You only really get one chance to make it big in the majors. That was my chance. The Casey Anthony case was like a slam dunk— even better, a slow pitch softball, right down the middle of the plate. I just missed. I don’t know how, but I swung and missed like my alcoholic uncle playing waffle ball,” Ashton said after learning of his demotion.

“I can’t really blame the kid, he’s young.  Hopefully he’ll be back in the majors in a couple years. Until then, have fun doing wills and estates in Key West, asshole,” Orange County DA Armand Castillo told the Solicitor.

“We really had no other choice but to send them all down. You can’t lose that case. Ashton should be lucky I don’t chloroform him and stuff his body in a… I’m sorry. This whole situation is frustrating. I mean it’s great that we have such a rabid, passionate fan base who wants nothing more than to watch heads roll, but if we can’t win, it means nothing.”

Castillo’s decision to send the four prosecutors down to the minors was welcomed by most who intensely followed the trial and had already convicted Anthony in their own mind. There are others, however, who see the prosecutors’ demotion as a smokescreen to distract the public from the true cause of Anthony’s acquittal, feminism. Misogynistic conservative talk show host  Rush Limbaugh has stated that Anthony “got off” because of “lesbian feminists on the jury who support baby-killing.”

“Not only are the feminists OK with what Anthony did, but the liberals are trying to ram all this P.C. bullshit down my throat. Now I can’t do dead baby jokes on the radio? C’mon, America.”

DJ Funkmaster Flex Arrested After Dropping Actual Bomb in NY Nightclub

By Thurgood Clarence X Thomas, Jr.

NEW YORK, NY – After years of being known for killing crowds across the nation with bass-heavy rap music and bomb sound effects, Aston George Taylor Jr. , known prominently as DJ Funkmaster Flex allegedly took his antics a step further by exploding a fuck-load of C4 in New York’s 40/40 Nightclub. An estimated 250 people in attendance were killed, while another 100 were injured.

“THIS NEXT JOINT IS GONNA RATTLE THE STREETS. MINDS IS GONNA BE BLOWN, YA HEARD,” boomed Taylor before the bombs were detonated, according to witnesses at the scene.

Taylor is currently being held at Bayview Correctional Facility without bail as he awaits his first hearing.

His attorney, Maurice Levy, says his client is confident that he will be exonerated and that justice will prevail. Levy is famous for his (possibly fictional, but hey, it still seemed pretty fucking real on The Wire) defense of Baltimore drug lords Avon Barksdale and Marlo Stanfield. His street credibility and ability to get ridiculously lenient sentences for criminals has made him popular in the music and sports world. However, he was unable to keep Plaxico Burress out of prison after Burress shot himself in the leg with an illegal firearm.

“Mr. Taylor is a family man and sends his deepest condolences to the families of the deceased. He has confidence that the NYPD will solve this case and bring the perpetrators to justice,” Levy said in a statement to the media members gathered outside of his law offices in midtown Manhattan.

According to an unnamed police source, however, Taylor was singing a much different tune as SWAT team members escorted him out of what remained of the 40/40 Club.

“I HAD TO SHOW NIGGAZ I WAS REAL! BIG DOG PITBULL STYLE – I RUN NEW YORK,” said Taylor. “HEAVY.”
According to sources at Hot 97, Funkmaster Flex’s longtime collaborator Mister Cee was devastated by the news.

“They planned on making their relationship public at that gay pride parade [scheduled for June 26],” said production intern Erik “Gunz” Smith. “But personally, I think the whole world knew them niggaz was gay.”

Taylor’s hearing is scheduled for July 5.

Lesbians Underpay for Walmart Baby

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

Two Boston lesbians are in Suffolk County family court today to plead for continued custody of 18 month old Justin Perham. Female life partners Kia Monroe and Christa Siparello have had custody over the small child since a June 12th incident at a local Walmart. “We were just walking the aisles, looking for men’s razors,  and saw this baby sitting on the ground playing with lead pipes. We decided to take him in and teach him our way.” 

What the lesbian couple sees as an act of pure generosity and love  is being framed as an illegal abduction by the child’s biological parents,  Harry and Lisa Perham. The Perhams have requested that the child be returned to their custody immediately. Speaking to the Solicitor, through their attorney Lionel Hutz, the parents maintained that they were simply letting their child play with Walmart’s Chinese-made lead-based toys when the two women stole the child. “Clearly we cannot allow lesbians to walk into stores and just take children- that’s what Africa is for.” Hutz also stated that the Perhams were further infuriated to learn that Monroe and Siparello had not paid proper market value for the baby. “They somehow got out of that store only paying $150 for that baby.  A white, blonde hair, blue eyed American baby should cost upwards of $100,000. I mean, he’s not Dominican.”

Monroe and Siparello maintain their innocence and their counsel intends to demonstrate the “blatant homophobia” the court would endorse by finding in the Perhams’ favor. “This is simply a case of America not wanting these women to be who they are. America doesn't care if Neo Nazis or Mormons raise children, but as soon as two lesbians buy a baby everyone wants to remember their morals.”

GOP Presidential Hopefuls Announce Support For Gay Abortion

By Erin Davies, Contributing Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Republican Presidential hopefuls have gathered in the nation's capital to announce their support for expanded abortion rights for women. 

Last week, scientists at the University of California, Berkeley developed a sure-fire method to determine whether a fetus will be born a homosexual. Since the ground-breaking development, conservative celebrities such as Obnoxious Idiot Glenn Beck and Adolf Hitler Mel Gibson have publicly retracted their close-minded attitudes towards abortion and given full approval to a measure that would allow women to abort potential homosexual fetuses. 

"I think an open-minded attitude towards abortion is exactly what this country needs right now," said GOP presidential nominee Newt Gingrich (R). 

"I believe it should be the right of women to decide whether to bring a life into this world- especially if that life is against the teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If a woman is notified that her child will be born a homosexual, I believe it to be in the best interest of not only the woman but also the child to terminate the pregnancy immediately. 

"We've all heard how hard it is for parents to accept that their teenage children are gay, and now no one has to deal with that awkward moment."

The measure, which would allow women to abort a pregnancy as late as 8 months, has been branded as utero-genocide by many in the LBGTQ community. Charles St. Jean, a resident of Lower Manhattan, said candidly to the Solicitor that he and his life partner are deeply discouraged by the fact that there may not be any homosexual children to adopt in the near future.

Many prominent Democrats have voiced their opposition to the expanded abortion rights. Nevada Senator Harry Reid (D), told the Solicitor that although he at one time did support a woman's right to chose, that he was now very much "pro-life".

"I just don't think it's right to end a life before it ever gets an opportunity to play out. The fact is that no one knows what that child might end up becoming. 

"Sure you're child might be a homosexual, but women must remember the positives of that situation, such as the fact that they may grow up to vote Democrat."

Although most Republicans support the proposed abortion amendment, there are many more who see this as only the first step in many to an equal and just society under God. 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney (R) suggested on Monday that the 8 month pregnancy limit on gay abortion was ineffective and hindered the constitutional rights of parents.

"8 months of pregnancy, while a good time length for now, is too short a period for mothers to decide if they want gay children. I think we should push the time frame to something like 17 or 18 years, for those ladies who have a tough time making up their mind, like my wife did."

Lawyer Reluctantly Admits He Is Hipster Scum

By Alex Dougherty, Contributing Reporter

PORTLAND, OR — Under pressure from senior partners at the notoriously conservative Preston & MacGeedy law firm, junior associate Robert Fulton reluctantly announced Tuesday afternoon that he has been a lifelong hipster. Embarrassed and anxious, Fulton addressed his peers in a company board room wearing Buddy Holly glasses and a "Salvo" suit with Doc Marten boots. 

"I know this news comes as a shock to some of you," Fulton said to the crowded room, "but I am a hipster. I have been for some time, and now I'm not afraid to admit it."

Speaking with the Solicitor Tuesday night, Fulton explained that he realized he was a hipster in grade school when his classmates were watching MTV and listening to pop radio stations. 

"I knew I was different- you might even say better than the other kids. I didn't want to watch TRL and listen to the music the big corporations spoon-fed the state run radio stations." 

Fulton insists that as a child he would rather watch PBS and listen to National Public Radio, two stations renowned for their unrivaled elitist liberalisms and all-around douchebaggery.

Fulton told the Solicitor that there were those within the firm who learned of his condition years earlier.

"Alyssa [Harden] has known for some time that I'm a hipster. She caught me drinking PBR on the job a couple years ago, and then spotted me at a Vampire Weekend concert last June. The whole ordeal was very embarrassing, and I asked that she let me come out of the repository in my own time." 

The "repository", as Fulton explained, is the hipster equivalent of the "closet" for homosexuals, except, "not as mainstream."

At the conclusion of his address, Fulton asked for respect and understanding from his peers, saying, "please treat me no differently than any of the other lazy, apathetic employees at this firm," motioning to Mario De Los Cobos, an Hispanic attorney. 

There are those at the firm, unbeknownst to Fulton, who suspected he may be a hipster months and even years earlier. Whenever Fulton was asked what law school he attended, he would notoriously answer, "some cool, obscure law school you've probably never heard of," and was known to ask repeatedly if the morning bagels were organic. Still, others reported that Fulton rode a retro Schwinn bike to work and used a vintage typewriter keyboard for his computer in the office. 

 

Many in the legal community had questioned, for some time, whether hipsters had the intellectual capacity, work ethic, or fashion sense to break into the most prestigious firms. 

"I'm definitely not the only one of us in the legal community. I'm not going to tell you who the rest are, but I can say we meet regularly to loiter outside a local Whole Foods every Tuesday."

Comedian Tosh Arrested For Murder Wednesday

By Karen Huang, Contributing Reporter

LOS ANGELES -- Comedian Daniel Tosh was arrested early Wednesday morning outside his moderately overpriced Los Angeles home after authorities were  notified that the comedian allegedly murdered an innocent joke on national television. The incident happened at approximately 10:32 E.T. Tuesday night, during an airing of the latest episode of his show, Tosh.0.  Tosh opened his show by displaying a large white woman in a thong, and joked that he was not quite sure what African-American men saw in such women. The incident marked the 10th time in the show’s three year history that Tosh had played the “black men love fat white women” card, and Los Angeles authorities have had enough. 

The joke was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and pronounced dead shortly after the show. Condolences were issued by a number of comedians when the news broke over Twitter. Comedian Chris Rock responded to the news by tweeting, “God dammit. That was my whole bit.”

The joke’s untimely death will not be mourned by all, however, as there is a large contingent of black men who have asked comedians to refrain from drawing attention to their large, ugly, white girlfriends since the 1970’s. Jamal Washington, the Solicitor’s expert on bi-racial coitus, explained that comedians have been attracting attention to black men's “side-chicks” for some time. 

“For real, your average dude on the block already got a girl– a real girl. When you see us with some white chicken head our main chick don’t know, and we like it that way. Shit, that fuck [Tosh] been blowin’ my spot up for a minute now,” Washington said in a carefully worded email.

Los Angeles County D.A., Steve Cooley spoke to the press outside City Hall Wednesday morning and emphasized that Tosh had demonstrated that he had no real appreciation for the gravity of his crime. 

"It has been funny to make fun of black men and fat, white women for over 350 years, and now we’ll have to go back to making fun of black men for failing to pay child support, or showing up late to work, or using Boost Mobile. Tosh has repeatedly shown little interest in preserving this joke’s integrity, and we plan to prosecute that ass-fuck to the fullest extent.”

Tosh is being held at the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department, and despite his successful tour and TV show he does not have the required $750,000 to post bail. The comedian will likely make a plea deal with the District Attorney in exchange for information on the name and address of the ass-wipe of a hack who writes for Norm McDonald.