Nearly Defeated, Mayor Plans to Use Foolproof Strategy of Black Politicians

By Brandon Giordano, Junior Editor

TRENTON, NJ -- Trenton Mayor Tony Mack has had a trying first year as the executive of Mercer County's largest municipality. Mack has largely squandered any respect he gained during his campaign, and has surely lost all respect he earned for not being Douglas Palmer, the previous mayor of Trenton for 20 plus years. During his brief tenure, Mack had his home sold by the county sheriff, hired his unqualified half-brother to run the city's water treatment, allowed his half-brother to use city employees for private jobs during work hours, took a $3,000 bribe, and most recently, his newly hired chief of staff, Paul Sigmund, was arrested for heroine use (at 8:30am) and assault.*

Mack is quickly losing the publicity battle as area newspapers have stalked his every move like Glenn Beck stalks Hitler's ghost. The resilient Mack, however, has what he calls a foolproof plan to take back the hearts of the citizens of Trenton. Following in the footsteps of African-American politicians before him, Mack says he will find and kill Osama bin Laden.

"I can pull this off. It'll be a media circus. They'll have no choice to reelect me. That's what happens when you're a black politician. As long as you find and kill Osama bin Laden, most people will just forget the shit you did before." When informed of the factual and logistic obstacles to finding and killing Osama bin Laden, a second time, Mack reiterated that the press, "should not underestimate the intellectual capabilities of blacks." Mack then stated, "Barack Obama was half black, and he found and killed Osama bin Laden in almost 3 years. I figure for a full black man like me it should take anywhere from 8-15 weeks. Finding and killing Osama bin Laden shows the public that I know how to handle a budget, reduce corruption, and improve education."

Since the political decision, considered by some to be a long shot, Mack has reassigned the city's communications department to find the former Al-Qaeda leader's body in the Indian Ocean. Others in accounting and housing were given the next two months off to plan a press event for Mack to announce the capture and killing of bin Laden. "Lower taxes, race relations, STD screenings, kid-friendly priests, these aren't the things people care about in this city," Mack said at a press conference Saturday afternoon. "I know them, and I just have to give the people what they really want, the blood of a foreigner."

* http://www.nj.com/times-opinion/index.ssf/2011/05/editorial_firing_trenton_chief.html