Lesbians Underpay for Walmart Baby

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

Two Boston lesbians are in Suffolk County family court today to plead for continued custody of 18 month old Justin Perham. Female life partners Kia Monroe and Christa Siparello have had custody over the small child since a June 12th incident at a local Walmart. “We were just walking the aisles, looking for men’s razors,  and saw this baby sitting on the ground playing with lead pipes. We decided to take him in and teach him our way.” 

What the lesbian couple sees as an act of pure generosity and love  is being framed as an illegal abduction by the child’s biological parents,  Harry and Lisa Perham. The Perhams have requested that the child be returned to their custody immediately. Speaking to the Solicitor, through their attorney Lionel Hutz, the parents maintained that they were simply letting their child play with Walmart’s Chinese-made lead-based toys when the two women stole the child. “Clearly we cannot allow lesbians to walk into stores and just take children- that’s what Africa is for.” Hutz also stated that the Perhams were further infuriated to learn that Monroe and Siparello had not paid proper market value for the baby. “They somehow got out of that store only paying $150 for that baby.  A white, blonde hair, blue eyed American baby should cost upwards of $100,000. I mean, he’s not Dominican.”

Monroe and Siparello maintain their innocence and their counsel intends to demonstrate the “blatant homophobia” the court would endorse by finding in the Perhams’ favor. “This is simply a case of America not wanting these women to be who they are. America doesn't care if Neo Nazis or Mormons raise children, but as soon as two lesbians buy a baby everyone wants to remember their morals.”

GOP Presidential Hopefuls Announce Support For Gay Abortion

By Erin Davies, Contributing Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Republican Presidential hopefuls have gathered in the nation's capital to announce their support for expanded abortion rights for women. 

Last week, scientists at the University of California, Berkeley developed a sure-fire method to determine whether a fetus will be born a homosexual. Since the ground-breaking development, conservative celebrities such as Obnoxious Idiot Glenn Beck and Adolf Hitler Mel Gibson have publicly retracted their close-minded attitudes towards abortion and given full approval to a measure that would allow women to abort potential homosexual fetuses. 

"I think an open-minded attitude towards abortion is exactly what this country needs right now," said GOP presidential nominee Newt Gingrich (R). 

"I believe it should be the right of women to decide whether to bring a life into this world- especially if that life is against the teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If a woman is notified that her child will be born a homosexual, I believe it to be in the best interest of not only the woman but also the child to terminate the pregnancy immediately. 

"We've all heard how hard it is for parents to accept that their teenage children are gay, and now no one has to deal with that awkward moment."

The measure, which would allow women to abort a pregnancy as late as 8 months, has been branded as utero-genocide by many in the LBGTQ community. Charles St. Jean, a resident of Lower Manhattan, said candidly to the Solicitor that he and his life partner are deeply discouraged by the fact that there may not be any homosexual children to adopt in the near future.

Many prominent Democrats have voiced their opposition to the expanded abortion rights. Nevada Senator Harry Reid (D), told the Solicitor that although he at one time did support a woman's right to chose, that he was now very much "pro-life".

"I just don't think it's right to end a life before it ever gets an opportunity to play out. The fact is that no one knows what that child might end up becoming. 

"Sure you're child might be a homosexual, but women must remember the positives of that situation, such as the fact that they may grow up to vote Democrat."

Although most Republicans support the proposed abortion amendment, there are many more who see this as only the first step in many to an equal and just society under God. 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney (R) suggested on Monday that the 8 month pregnancy limit on gay abortion was ineffective and hindered the constitutional rights of parents.

"8 months of pregnancy, while a good time length for now, is too short a period for mothers to decide if they want gay children. I think we should push the time frame to something like 17 or 18 years, for those ladies who have a tough time making up their mind, like my wife did."

Lawyer Reluctantly Admits He Is Hipster Scum

By Alex Dougherty, Contributing Reporter

PORTLAND, OR — Under pressure from senior partners at the notoriously conservative Preston & MacGeedy law firm, junior associate Robert Fulton reluctantly announced Tuesday afternoon that he has been a lifelong hipster. Embarrassed and anxious, Fulton addressed his peers in a company board room wearing Buddy Holly glasses and a "Salvo" suit with Doc Marten boots. 

"I know this news comes as a shock to some of you," Fulton said to the crowded room, "but I am a hipster. I have been for some time, and now I'm not afraid to admit it."

Speaking with the Solicitor Tuesday night, Fulton explained that he realized he was a hipster in grade school when his classmates were watching MTV and listening to pop radio stations. 

"I knew I was different- you might even say better than the other kids. I didn't want to watch TRL and listen to the music the big corporations spoon-fed the state run radio stations." 

Fulton insists that as a child he would rather watch PBS and listen to National Public Radio, two stations renowned for their unrivaled elitist liberalisms and all-around douchebaggery.

Fulton told the Solicitor that there were those within the firm who learned of his condition years earlier.

"Alyssa [Harden] has known for some time that I'm a hipster. She caught me drinking PBR on the job a couple years ago, and then spotted me at a Vampire Weekend concert last June. The whole ordeal was very embarrassing, and I asked that she let me come out of the repository in my own time." 

The "repository", as Fulton explained, is the hipster equivalent of the "closet" for homosexuals, except, "not as mainstream."

At the conclusion of his address, Fulton asked for respect and understanding from his peers, saying, "please treat me no differently than any of the other lazy, apathetic employees at this firm," motioning to Mario De Los Cobos, an Hispanic attorney. 

There are those at the firm, unbeknownst to Fulton, who suspected he may be a hipster months and even years earlier. Whenever Fulton was asked what law school he attended, he would notoriously answer, "some cool, obscure law school you've probably never heard of," and was known to ask repeatedly if the morning bagels were organic. Still, others reported that Fulton rode a retro Schwinn bike to work and used a vintage typewriter keyboard for his computer in the office. 

 

Many in the legal community had questioned, for some time, whether hipsters had the intellectual capacity, work ethic, or fashion sense to break into the most prestigious firms. 

"I'm definitely not the only one of us in the legal community. I'm not going to tell you who the rest are, but I can say we meet regularly to loiter outside a local Whole Foods every Tuesday."

Comedian Tosh Arrested For Murder Wednesday

By Karen Huang, Contributing Reporter

LOS ANGELES -- Comedian Daniel Tosh was arrested early Wednesday morning outside his moderately overpriced Los Angeles home after authorities were  notified that the comedian allegedly murdered an innocent joke on national television. The incident happened at approximately 10:32 E.T. Tuesday night, during an airing of the latest episode of his show, Tosh.0.  Tosh opened his show by displaying a large white woman in a thong, and joked that he was not quite sure what African-American men saw in such women. The incident marked the 10th time in the show’s three year history that Tosh had played the “black men love fat white women” card, and Los Angeles authorities have had enough. 

The joke was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and pronounced dead shortly after the show. Condolences were issued by a number of comedians when the news broke over Twitter. Comedian Chris Rock responded to the news by tweeting, “God dammit. That was my whole bit.”

The joke’s untimely death will not be mourned by all, however, as there is a large contingent of black men who have asked comedians to refrain from drawing attention to their large, ugly, white girlfriends since the 1970’s. Jamal Washington, the Solicitor’s expert on bi-racial coitus, explained that comedians have been attracting attention to black men's “side-chicks” for some time. 

“For real, your average dude on the block already got a girl– a real girl. When you see us with some white chicken head our main chick don’t know, and we like it that way. Shit, that fuck [Tosh] been blowin’ my spot up for a minute now,” Washington said in a carefully worded email.

Los Angeles County D.A., Steve Cooley spoke to the press outside City Hall Wednesday morning and emphasized that Tosh had demonstrated that he had no real appreciation for the gravity of his crime. 

"It has been funny to make fun of black men and fat, white women for over 350 years, and now we’ll have to go back to making fun of black men for failing to pay child support, or showing up late to work, or using Boost Mobile. Tosh has repeatedly shown little interest in preserving this joke’s integrity, and we plan to prosecute that ass-fuck to the fullest extent.”

Tosh is being held at the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department, and despite his successful tour and TV show he does not have the required $750,000 to post bail. The comedian will likely make a plea deal with the District Attorney in exchange for information on the name and address of the ass-wipe of a hack who writes for Norm McDonald.

Nearly Defeated, Mayor Plans to Use Foolproof Strategy of Black Politicians

By Brandon Giordano, Junior Editor

TRENTON, NJ -- Trenton Mayor Tony Mack has had a trying first year as the executive of Mercer County's largest municipality. Mack has largely squandered any respect he gained during his campaign, and has surely lost all respect he earned for not being Douglas Palmer, the previous mayor of Trenton for 20 plus years. During his brief tenure, Mack had his home sold by the county sheriff, hired his unqualified half-brother to run the city's water treatment, allowed his half-brother to use city employees for private jobs during work hours, took a $3,000 bribe, and most recently, his newly hired chief of staff, Paul Sigmund, was arrested for heroine use (at 8:30am) and assault.*

Mack is quickly losing the publicity battle as area newspapers have stalked his every move like Glenn Beck stalks Hitler's ghost. The resilient Mack, however, has what he calls a foolproof plan to take back the hearts of the citizens of Trenton. Following in the footsteps of African-American politicians before him, Mack says he will find and kill Osama bin Laden.

"I can pull this off. It'll be a media circus. They'll have no choice to reelect me. That's what happens when you're a black politician. As long as you find and kill Osama bin Laden, most people will just forget the shit you did before." When informed of the factual and logistic obstacles to finding and killing Osama bin Laden, a second time, Mack reiterated that the press, "should not underestimate the intellectual capabilities of blacks." Mack then stated, "Barack Obama was half black, and he found and killed Osama bin Laden in almost 3 years. I figure for a full black man like me it should take anywhere from 8-15 weeks. Finding and killing Osama bin Laden shows the public that I know how to handle a budget, reduce corruption, and improve education."

Since the political decision, considered by some to be a long shot, Mack has reassigned the city's communications department to find the former Al-Qaeda leader's body in the Indian Ocean. Others in accounting and housing were given the next two months off to plan a press event for Mack to announce the capture and killing of bin Laden. "Lower taxes, race relations, STD screenings, kid-friendly priests, these aren't the things people care about in this city," Mack said at a press conference Saturday afternoon. "I know them, and I just have to give the people what they really want, the blood of a foreigner."

* http://www.nj.com/times-opinion/index.ssf/2011/05/editorial_firing_trenton_chief.html

Junior Associate Suffers Emotional, Anal Trauma

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

FLINT, MI -- Junior associate Liam Pearson is in serious but stable condition following a physical altercation with Jansen & Healy senior partner Oliver F. Healy Thursday afternoon. After learning that Pearson allowed the Michigan Statute of Limitations to expire on a potential million-dollar lawsuit, Healy, in a fit of hormonal rage, seized Pearson by the throat, bent him over an office desk and swiftly kicked Pearson in the ass, ripping the associate’s pants and undergarments, and impaling his anus with size-13 leather Topman shoes. Healy attempted to remove his foot from his associate’s anus, but was stunned to realize his left foot was firmly lodged in Pearson’s gastrointestinal tract. A firm paralegal, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told the Solicitor, “we always called Pearson a tight ass, but who knew his ass was that tight?”

Pearson was taken to Michigan Mercy Hospital after emergency workers worked for 3 hours to remove Healy’s left foot and ankle. Emergency responders say that Pearson suffered very severe effects from the penetrating anal trauma of Healy’s Vinatieri-inspired blow. “I’ve been in this business for 17 years, and never have I seen a man’s foot that deep in another man’s ass. Sure I’ve removed carrots, guns, and iPads from asses before, but those were all pretty standard compared to this,” said emergency responder Amy Heigarden. 

Flint, like many cities in America with real fucking problems, rarely brings criminal prosecutions for altercations involving attorneys, specifically partner-associate incidents. Healy, when asked if he felt he felt lucky to evade criminal charges, told the Solicitor,  “I don’t feel lucky at all. That little shit cost us 2 million and ruined one of my favorite pair of shoes. I feel like he got off easy.” Healy is standing firm on the position that he was justified in his action. “He’s just a fucking associate. He’s an ant. No, he’s smaller than an ant. He's more like a tick or flea with a foot up his ass."

NJ Jury Gives Man $6M Verdict After Getting B.J. from Filthy, Filthy Stripper

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor



JERSEY CITY, NJ -- A Hudson County jury has handed down one of the largest strip-club related verdicts of 2011 after awarding James McManaman, of Bridgewater, NJ, $6 million dollars last week. McManaman alleged that the defendant, Litter Box Entertainment Co., failed to follow the common strip club practice of  prohibiting sex in the establishment. McManaman contracted herpes in the course of receiving fellatio from a dancer in the club's champagne room. Allen Carver, McManaman's counsel has cited numerous examples of the ban on champagne room-sex including national health and sanitation laws, a 1999 song by comedian Chris Rock, and a bill by the State legislature dating from 1804 known as the Stank-Ass Wench Act. 



Owner, and all around Jersey douche, Andrew D'Orio complained that the verdict was highly prejudicial and biased against dishonest women making a barely socially acceptable living. "That Chris Rock song is more like a suggestion. Besides, every other club in this filthy fuckin' city lets that shit happen. Shit, we're the only club that checks our dancers' I.D.'s."



Carver told the Solicitor, that if the club simply followed the policy his client would not have herpes. "At worst he would have gotten the clap, which they can cure. Look, they know the damn Chris Rock song -- everybody saw the video. We all know the dangers of sex in the champagne room, like losing track of time, wanting to leave your wife, and contracting herpes from a 16 year old Brazilian girl who promised you two lapdances for 15 bucks." Carver concluded his rousing closing argument saying that he had proof that they not only allowed sex in the champagne room, but D'Orio allowed strippers give birth on the buffet table after lunch was over. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that's some stank-ass shit."

Bosh Sues Avatar Director Cameron for Illegal Use of Likeness

By Allen Hutton 

MIAMI -- NBA Superstar Chris Bosh has filed a suit against director James Cameron for illegally using his likeness in the 3-D shitshow, Avatar. Lawyers for Bosh claim that Cameron purposefully designed the indigenous Na’vi after Bosh, and has failed to pay any royalties. “It’s pretty clear that he took Chris’s facial and body structure and made the characters blue, like we wouldn’t notice.” Bosh’s suit follows the precedent established by a verdict for former NBA star Charles Barkley, who sued director Tim Story for his use of Barkley’s likeness in his depiction of The Thing in the film Fantastic Four. “I hope Chris gets what dey owe him. It’s just not right. It’s turrrible,” Barkley said when asked for his opinion on Bosh’s lawsuit.

Bosh recently signed a contract extension with his new team the Miami Heat. The contract, worth $96M over 5 years is just not enough to sustain the lavish life style to which NBA players are accustomed. “I mean, sure it’s a lot of money, but is it enough? You’ve heard what [Latrell] Spreewell said, ‘I can’t feed my family on a million dollars!’” Bosh said in a statement through his lawyers. Cameron has adamantly denied any wrongdoing and through a spokesperson suggested a number of places Bosh and his legal counsel could “shove their case.”

City’s Legal Community Struck with Plague of Apathy

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

BOSTON -- The entire legal community of Boston has become extremely apathetic towards their profession and education due to a strain of Parisian Apathy. The virus, contracted through overexposure to European labor and education strikes, has put a halt to judicial proceedings, law classes, and firm Christmas parties across the city. Municipal judges throughout Suffolk County have taken indefinite recess, and my fear that they may not return to work for some time. Allen Thomas of Roxbury was arrested last week for assault but has not been arraigned. “I got to the courtroom and the judge just sat there, watching TV. I asked my lawyer to do something about it, but he just pulled out his cell phone and played brick breaker.”

At Harvard, law professors have reportedly given their students a number of excuses as to why classes will not be held. In an email to his second year class, Professor David Chaim said that his wife had, “DVR’ed a great episode of Mythbusters,” and that it was, “too windy to have class.” First year student Jenny Cavello says that most of the students are not surprised by the class cancellations. “Most of us have been apathetic towards this stuff since we got here. I haven’t opened a book or taken notes in months, and frankly I don’t care…”

The host of the virus is believed to be a Boston University law student, Shawna White, who visited her boyfriend in Paris over Thanksgiving break. While there she witnessed students at Sorbonne strike over class hours, Metro workers strike over wages, and gypsies strike over the weather. “It was all kind of weird, especially when the riot police showed up and started using pepper spray. At first I was concerned, but then I was consumed with this very European feeling of ‘fuck it’.”

Parisian Apathy has struck the United States before with far more damaging consequences. It has often appeared months, weeks, and sometimes days before the outbreak of war. The epidemics of 1775, 1863, and 1908 were all followed by overwhelming victories by those who actually gave a shit. The most notable example is undeniably the strain of Parisian Apathy that caused the legal and political communities of England and the United States to allow Hitler to invade Czechoslovakia and Poland. After the end of World War II, Prime Minister Winston Churchill was quoted as saying, “I’m not really sure why, but we just didn’t give a rat’s ass until he started bombing London. Even then, we still weren’t sure we wanted to do anything.”

Mississippi Jury Returns $6.3M Verdict for Non-Consensual Haircut, Circumcision

By Harris Freer

JACKSON, MI -- A Mississippi man was awarded over $6 million by a jury in a crushing blow to hair chain giant Supercuts. The man, Andrew LeBatte of Spring Arbor, MI went into the downtown Jackson Supercuts for the Gustavo Cut (pictured right) but was erroneously given the Mike Cut. “I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t. I mean I plainly point to the one with the Mexican or Spanish kid with the flipped up Mohawk thing and they give me this fruity cut with blonde streaks.”

Furthermore, as stylist Deandra Ackerman applied the fruity blonde streaks to LeBatte’s hair, she mistakenly circumcised the 26-year old man. “I got totally confused. I had the electric clippers in one hand and the Gomco circumcisers in the other, and I mixed everything up. One moment I’m clipping his sideburns and the next thing I know I’m trimming his junk.” Ackerman, who also performs circumcisions for the El-Shabbat Jewish Reform Temple in Jackson was extremely remorseful about removing her customer’s foreskin and offered a free lollipop as compensation.