Nearly Defeated, Mayor Plans to Use Foolproof Strategy of Black Politicians

By Brandon Giordano, Junior Editor

TRENTON, NJ -- Trenton Mayor Tony Mack has had a trying first year as the executive of Mercer County's largest municipality. Mack has largely squandered any respect he gained during his campaign, and has surely lost all respect he earned for not being Douglas Palmer, the previous mayor of Trenton for 20 plus years. During his brief tenure, Mack had his home sold by the county sheriff, hired his unqualified half-brother to run the city's water treatment, allowed his half-brother to use city employees for private jobs during work hours, took a $3,000 bribe, and most recently, his newly hired chief of staff, Paul Sigmund, was arrested for heroine use (at 8:30am) and assault.*

Mack is quickly losing the publicity battle as area newspapers have stalked his every move like Glenn Beck stalks Hitler's ghost. The resilient Mack, however, has what he calls a foolproof plan to take back the hearts of the citizens of Trenton. Following in the footsteps of African-American politicians before him, Mack says he will find and kill Osama bin Laden.

"I can pull this off. It'll be a media circus. They'll have no choice to reelect me. That's what happens when you're a black politician. As long as you find and kill Osama bin Laden, most people will just forget the shit you did before." When informed of the factual and logistic obstacles to finding and killing Osama bin Laden, a second time, Mack reiterated that the press, "should not underestimate the intellectual capabilities of blacks." Mack then stated, "Barack Obama was half black, and he found and killed Osama bin Laden in almost 3 years. I figure for a full black man like me it should take anywhere from 8-15 weeks. Finding and killing Osama bin Laden shows the public that I know how to handle a budget, reduce corruption, and improve education."

Since the political decision, considered by some to be a long shot, Mack has reassigned the city's communications department to find the former Al-Qaeda leader's body in the Indian Ocean. Others in accounting and housing were given the next two months off to plan a press event for Mack to announce the capture and killing of bin Laden. "Lower taxes, race relations, STD screenings, kid-friendly priests, these aren't the things people care about in this city," Mack said at a press conference Saturday afternoon. "I know them, and I just have to give the people what they really want, the blood of a foreigner."

* http://www.nj.com/times-opinion/index.ssf/2011/05/editorial_firing_trenton_chief.html

Junior Associate Suffers Emotional, Anal Trauma

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

FLINT, MI -- Junior associate Liam Pearson is in serious but stable condition following a physical altercation with Jansen & Healy senior partner Oliver F. Healy Thursday afternoon. After learning that Pearson allowed the Michigan Statute of Limitations to expire on a potential million-dollar lawsuit, Healy, in a fit of hormonal rage, seized Pearson by the throat, bent him over an office desk and swiftly kicked Pearson in the ass, ripping the associate’s pants and undergarments, and impaling his anus with size-13 leather Topman shoes. Healy attempted to remove his foot from his associate’s anus, but was stunned to realize his left foot was firmly lodged in Pearson’s gastrointestinal tract. A firm paralegal, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told the Solicitor, “we always called Pearson a tight ass, but who knew his ass was that tight?”

Pearson was taken to Michigan Mercy Hospital after emergency workers worked for 3 hours to remove Healy’s left foot and ankle. Emergency responders say that Pearson suffered very severe effects from the penetrating anal trauma of Healy’s Vinatieri-inspired blow. “I’ve been in this business for 17 years, and never have I seen a man’s foot that deep in another man’s ass. Sure I’ve removed carrots, guns, and iPads from asses before, but those were all pretty standard compared to this,” said emergency responder Amy Heigarden. 

Flint, like many cities in America with real fucking problems, rarely brings criminal prosecutions for altercations involving attorneys, specifically partner-associate incidents. Healy, when asked if he felt he felt lucky to evade criminal charges, told the Solicitor,  “I don’t feel lucky at all. That little shit cost us 2 million and ruined one of my favorite pair of shoes. I feel like he got off easy.” Healy is standing firm on the position that he was justified in his action. “He’s just a fucking associate. He’s an ant. No, he’s smaller than an ant. He's more like a tick or flea with a foot up his ass."

NJ Jury Gives Man $6M Verdict After Getting B.J. from Filthy, Filthy Stripper

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor



JERSEY CITY, NJ -- A Hudson County jury has handed down one of the largest strip-club related verdicts of 2011 after awarding James McManaman, of Bridgewater, NJ, $6 million dollars last week. McManaman alleged that the defendant, Litter Box Entertainment Co., failed to follow the common strip club practice of  prohibiting sex in the establishment. McManaman contracted herpes in the course of receiving fellatio from a dancer in the club's champagne room. Allen Carver, McManaman's counsel has cited numerous examples of the ban on champagne room-sex including national health and sanitation laws, a 1999 song by comedian Chris Rock, and a bill by the State legislature dating from 1804 known as the Stank-Ass Wench Act. 



Owner, and all around Jersey douche, Andrew D'Orio complained that the verdict was highly prejudicial and biased against dishonest women making a barely socially acceptable living. "That Chris Rock song is more like a suggestion. Besides, every other club in this filthy fuckin' city lets that shit happen. Shit, we're the only club that checks our dancers' I.D.'s."



Carver told the Solicitor, that if the club simply followed the policy his client would not have herpes. "At worst he would have gotten the clap, which they can cure. Look, they know the damn Chris Rock song -- everybody saw the video. We all know the dangers of sex in the champagne room, like losing track of time, wanting to leave your wife, and contracting herpes from a 16 year old Brazilian girl who promised you two lapdances for 15 bucks." Carver concluded his rousing closing argument saying that he had proof that they not only allowed sex in the champagne room, but D'Orio allowed strippers give birth on the buffet table after lunch was over. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that's some stank-ass shit."

Bosh Sues Avatar Director Cameron for Illegal Use of Likeness

By Allen Hutton 

MIAMI -- NBA Superstar Chris Bosh has filed a suit against director James Cameron for illegally using his likeness in the 3-D shitshow, Avatar. Lawyers for Bosh claim that Cameron purposefully designed the indigenous Na’vi after Bosh, and has failed to pay any royalties. “It’s pretty clear that he took Chris’s facial and body structure and made the characters blue, like we wouldn’t notice.” Bosh’s suit follows the precedent established by a verdict for former NBA star Charles Barkley, who sued director Tim Story for his use of Barkley’s likeness in his depiction of The Thing in the film Fantastic Four. “I hope Chris gets what dey owe him. It’s just not right. It’s turrrible,” Barkley said when asked for his opinion on Bosh’s lawsuit.

Bosh recently signed a contract extension with his new team the Miami Heat. The contract, worth $96M over 5 years is just not enough to sustain the lavish life style to which NBA players are accustomed. “I mean, sure it’s a lot of money, but is it enough? You’ve heard what [Latrell] Spreewell said, ‘I can’t feed my family on a million dollars!’” Bosh said in a statement through his lawyers. Cameron has adamantly denied any wrongdoing and through a spokesperson suggested a number of places Bosh and his legal counsel could “shove their case.”

City’s Legal Community Struck with Plague of Apathy

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

BOSTON -- The entire legal community of Boston has become extremely apathetic towards their profession and education due to a strain of Parisian Apathy. The virus, contracted through overexposure to European labor and education strikes, has put a halt to judicial proceedings, law classes, and firm Christmas parties across the city. Municipal judges throughout Suffolk County have taken indefinite recess, and my fear that they may not return to work for some time. Allen Thomas of Roxbury was arrested last week for assault but has not been arraigned. “I got to the courtroom and the judge just sat there, watching TV. I asked my lawyer to do something about it, but he just pulled out his cell phone and played brick breaker.”

At Harvard, law professors have reportedly given their students a number of excuses as to why classes will not be held. In an email to his second year class, Professor David Chaim said that his wife had, “DVR’ed a great episode of Mythbusters,” and that it was, “too windy to have class.” First year student Jenny Cavello says that most of the students are not surprised by the class cancellations. “Most of us have been apathetic towards this stuff since we got here. I haven’t opened a book or taken notes in months, and frankly I don’t care…”

The host of the virus is believed to be a Boston University law student, Shawna White, who visited her boyfriend in Paris over Thanksgiving break. While there she witnessed students at Sorbonne strike over class hours, Metro workers strike over wages, and gypsies strike over the weather. “It was all kind of weird, especially when the riot police showed up and started using pepper spray. At first I was concerned, but then I was consumed with this very European feeling of ‘fuck it’.”

Parisian Apathy has struck the United States before with far more damaging consequences. It has often appeared months, weeks, and sometimes days before the outbreak of war. The epidemics of 1775, 1863, and 1908 were all followed by overwhelming victories by those who actually gave a shit. The most notable example is undeniably the strain of Parisian Apathy that caused the legal and political communities of England and the United States to allow Hitler to invade Czechoslovakia and Poland. After the end of World War II, Prime Minister Winston Churchill was quoted as saying, “I’m not really sure why, but we just didn’t give a rat’s ass until he started bombing London. Even then, we still weren’t sure we wanted to do anything.”

Mississippi Jury Returns $6.3M Verdict for Non-Consensual Haircut, Circumcision

By Harris Freer

JACKSON, MI -- A Mississippi man was awarded over $6 million by a jury in a crushing blow to hair chain giant Supercuts. The man, Andrew LeBatte of Spring Arbor, MI went into the downtown Jackson Supercuts for the Gustavo Cut (pictured right) but was erroneously given the Mike Cut. “I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t. I mean I plainly point to the one with the Mexican or Spanish kid with the flipped up Mohawk thing and they give me this fruity cut with blonde streaks.”

Furthermore, as stylist Deandra Ackerman applied the fruity blonde streaks to LeBatte’s hair, she mistakenly circumcised the 26-year old man. “I got totally confused. I had the electric clippers in one hand and the Gomco circumcisers in the other, and I mixed everything up. One moment I’m clipping his sideburns and the next thing I know I’m trimming his junk.” Ackerman, who also performs circumcisions for the El-Shabbat Jewish Reform Temple in Jackson was extremely remorseful about removing her customer’s foreskin and offered a free lollipop as compensation.

Second Tier School Laments Admission of Preppy Douches

By Amy Redman, Contributing Reporter

BRISTOL, RI-- Dr. William Harrison, dean at the Roger Williams University School of Law, recently issued a statement of apology to his staff and students. The apology stemmed from an incident of unfortunate boat shoes that caused the death of 14 students and two members of the janitorial staff. 

Witnesses say that Baxter Haggerty, a first year student from Greenwich, CT, was in the student lounge smoking a 1.3g marijuana cigarette when the ash fell on the Sperry Topsiders of another student, Jacob Ramsey, of Morristown, NJ. Ramsey’s boat shoes were then instantaneously engulfed in what onlookers described as a “ball of douchy fire”. The fire quickly spread from Ramsey’s shoes to the Polo apparel of the thirteen other students in the lounge and two janitors cleaning up the mess of the “ungrateful bastards”.

“This event is tragic and unfortunate, and the blame falls squarely on our school. It was our decision to accept those BMW-driving idiots. From now on we'll do some face-to-face interviews to eliminate this preppy, douche-filled plague,” Dean Harrison said in an email titled “My Bad”. Officials from Sperry headquarters in Lexington, MA said that the shoes are not normally flammable, but when exposed to trace amounts of arrogance, entitlement, and selfishness the shoes can be deadly.

How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season: Racists

J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

'How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season' is an editorial series dedicated to giving Americans legal tips for the upcoming weeks. Each segment will target a specific demographic and give related legal advice.

Many of you, like myself, are racists. Undoubtedly, some of you racists will be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in a couple weeks. There are a few legal tips you should keep in mind when throwing back that eggnog and reminiscing about the time before that Guatemalan family moved in down the street.

On Assault: For the next few weeks try not to physically assault any African Americans or Jewish people. During Hanukkah and Kwanzaa (is that a real holiday?) refrain from your usual taunting and menacing. Any crimes committed against these groups in the next few weeks might be considered hate crimes, which carry lengthier jail times. Additionally, hate crimes are usually federal crimes, which means that your local sheriff (and Klan brother) can’t get you off. As a general rule wait until a couple weeks after New Year’s day to do your assaulting on minorities.

On Jesus and Santa: Racists, I urge you, do not (and I mean DO NOT) remove or destroy any portrayals of Jesus or Santa that are not white. Sure it looks weird and wrong, but people tend to call the police when you go around breaking their lawn ornaments. If the Robinson or Jackson family wants to think Christ had an Afro or listened to Dr. Dre so be it. They’ll see when (if) they get to heaven.

On Pollyanna: Fellow racists, when someone at the office suggests they you all do a Pollyanna (Secret Santa) do not bring in a gift that demonstrates your racism. Believe it or not, a Confederate flag is not one of those ‘universal’ gifts that everyone will love. If you’re getting a gift for Maria, the accountant your pretty sure is Hispanic or Italian, a copy of Mein Kampf is probably out of place.

Upcoming Segments of ‘How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season’ include Alcoholics, Southerners, Gays, Strippers, Middle-Class Black People and more.

Soda Giants File Joint Suit Against R.C. Cola For Being Shitty Competitor

By Jason Gomes, Contributing Reporter

ATLANTA --In a strange legal move, soft drink conglomerates Coca-Cola and Pepsi have sued RC Cola in Georgia civil court for being a half-assed competitor. Pepsi CEO Thomas Banning was puzzled as to why “those mother fuckers” are still in business. “Why do they still make that shit? Have you ever been to a party where someone gives you RC Cola? No. You haven’t. And if someone did give you that bullshit, you’d be offended. Fact.”

In a rant on NPR last week Coca-Cola chief executive Dan Higginbotham railed the feeble excuse of a soda. “The basis of our great economy is competition and with RC Cola around they’re just making this too easy. Even if we lose one of those stupid taste tests to Pepsi, we always have the fallback ‘oh, well at least we’re not RC Cola!’”

Legal counsel for both companies say they plan to show definitive evidence that RC Cola is “terrible in every way imaginable”. From accusations of human rights abuse to their awful, 1970’s style logo, Coca-Cola and Pepsi are confident that this case will be the last straw for the nearly bankrupt mom-and-pop soda company. In a statement made by their legal counsel, RC Cola plans to defend its company and honor in the suit. “We’re just glad we’re not Mecca Cola… dumbasses.”

Fed. Gov’t Creates More Efficient Way for Law Students to Accumulate 200k in Debt

By Erin Davies

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a measure to ensure that law students accumulate the standard $200,000 in debt by the end of their first year, the federal government has started the Debt First Program. Debt First will force first year students to spend over $200,000 in lent money in a little under 12 months. Students are free to spend on housing, electronics, and anything else a person in their early 20’s can think of. Kim Peterson, a first year studying law at the University of Pittsburgh says she spent her loan in 2 weeks. “First I rented a helicopter, and then I flew it to New York. I paid two homeless guys to make out, and then I went to the Coach store and bought this awesome bag, but then I lost it when we bought out a subway car and threw a rave. It was awesome, I never knew I could accumulate that much debt so fast. It’s great!”

The government got the idea from innovative Las Vegas and Atlantic City casinos who have managed to create a more direct way to get players’ money without actually gambling. “What we’ve done is actually just put out a collection bucket so people don’t have to waste their time gambling. They can just give us the money up front and walk away,” said Arnold Comiskey, owner of the Sands Casino Holding Co. “Another thing we’ve done is we’ve allowed players to create a joint account with our casinos so that they can just transfer the money online before they even get to our casinos. It cuts out the middle man and the wait time.”

President Obama, a graduate of Harvard Law, said that it was agonizing that he had to wait 3 whole years to accumulate that much debt. “This program is going to cut down the time kids have to wait to be in debt. Debt is a very American thing, and we’re glad to help these students get it so quickly.”