Georgia to Abolish Death Penalty; To Continue to Fuck Over Minorities

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor


ATLANTA-- Under scrutiny following the intensely watched execution of death-row inmate Troy Davis, both houses of the Georgia State legislature have passed a resolution abolishing the State's longstanding tradition of capital punishment.


Davis' case was thrust into the national spotlight after he was denied a further stay of execution. His execution received condemnation from activist groups such as the NAACP, former President Jimmy Carter, and from former US Representative Bob Barr (R), a well-known conservative from Georgia. "There was simply too much guilt," Barr said. "It just goes to show you, in Georgia, they will fry anything." 


The resolution, if signed by Governor Nathan Real (R), would make Georgia the 15th state in the country to remove capital punishment, and the first in the kill-happy zone many refer to as the Bible Belt of United States. 


Senate President and Lieutenant Governor Casey Cagle (R) told the Solicitor that leaders now understand the moral consequences involved in the state-sponsored execution of another human being. 


"This gross practice, long since curtailed in states and countries far and near, has come to symbolize our lack of compassion, and has not, as the great writer once said, stood as a beacon of our civility. 


"For more than three centuries, this State has used capital punishment as a deterrent to murder, but the Blacks keep killing each other, and more importantly, white people. It's time for us to move on and find another method.


"After watching several episodes of the HBO series OZ, it seems that Black and Hispanic men fear ass-rape more than death, so in place of capital punishment, we will mandate the public, systematic sexual violation of criminals." 


Cagle denies that this strategy conflicts with human rights statues against rape and torture saying, "honestly, we've been fucking them over for 400 years now, it's about time we put it on the books."

Oops: That Lady in Your Law Class Is Fat, Not Pregnant

By Harrison Meritt, Contributing Reporter

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- A recent Harvard study has announced that Harvard Law 2L Regina DiMatto is fat, and not, as reported earlier, pregnant. 

The study was commissioned by an interested group of second year students who noticed DiMatto returned to Cambridge with "at least 20 or 30 extra pounds,” said Rebecca Goldwater. DiMatto, age 36, was long considered that weird old lady who always kept to herself. 

Many hoped that her impending pregnancy would give the hard-working loner notoriety and friendship. "I was really hoping she was pregnant. No one's going to want to do Moot Court with her now that we all know she's just fat,” Goldwater said.

The study, commenced by two Harvard sociology graduate students, was done mainly by trial and error. Aaron Washburn, one of the two students, reportedly approached DiMatto and said “congratulations!” When DiMatta asked “for what”, Washburn said “your pregnancy...” DiMatto stared off, puzzled, and then began to slowly sob as she walked away. "I took that to mean for sure she was just fat," Washburn told the Solicitor.

This study comes off the heels of a similar fact-finding study done one week prior investigating whether that old guy who always sat in the back and slept had died in the summer between first and second year. "The answer was a definitive yes," said Washburn. "He died of a heart attack after failing torts."

New Law Requires Poor Youth to Riot Before Soccer Matches-- Not After

By Armando Guevara, Contributing Reporter

SAO PAULO-- In preparation for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, the country’s federal legislative body, the Congresso Nacional, has enacted a new law demanding that the poor, restless youth  riot, loot, pillage, and murder, before soccer matches, and not after, as is the norm. 

Soccer rioting has become common place in Brazil, particularly in the southern cities of Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paulo. President Lula da Silva says that the measure is meant to limit the damage, violence, and human trafficking associated with soccer riots. 

"We have to find an appropriate level of murder and rape. These are young men who do not have jobs, or hope, or morals. They do have knives and guns, however. We need to give them an appropriate outlet to express themselves. Allowing riots before matches is a sure-fire way to guarantee minimal damage to the wealthy white people of our lovely country."

While Da Silva champions the effort as a means to minimize damage, there are those across the country, that see the new law as a means to disassociate rioting with soccer. According to Ruben Dos Santos, founder of futebolriots.com, a non-profit website dedicated to promoting proper rioting, the law is attempting to change the culture of the sport. 

"I have no idea why they want to move the riots to before the matches. It can only have negative consequences. Will the angry, poverty-stricken youth have a means to destroy and vandalize? Yes. But is that what this is really about?

"This is Brazil. We're a civilized country. We don't riot in the streets for no good reason. We riot because our soccer team lost a game. Without the post-game riots, men might go home and beat their wives or children out of anger. In the Brazil I know and love, we beat other peoples' wives and children."

Rupert Murdoch Saved by Crouching Tiger Star Michell Yeoh Look-Alike

Darren Carragher, Contributing Reporter

LONDON-- Rupert Murdoch appeared before the Commons Select Committee for the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, along with his son James, to testify about the recent phone hacking scandal by Murdoch's former newspaper, News of the World. 

While Murdoch sat before the committee, slowly dying of old age and hubris, an onlooker, reported to be English activist, Jonnie Marbles, rushed the media mogul and attempted to hit him with a shaving cream pie. 

Luckily, Murdoch's wife, Wendi Deng Murdoch, an infamous look-alike of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon star Michell Yeoh, intervened to stop the attacker. Reports from witnesses say that Deng Murdoch flew through the air at least 30 feet in a single bound and landed a single drop kick to the attacker's face, instantly crushing Marbles' nose bone. 

  

"Absolutely amazing, is all I have to say about that," said MP Louise Mensch.

"That woman has one hell of a left foot. You'd think that after years of living in the States, and having sex with a geriatric Australian she wouldn't have that spring left in her bounce, but clearly she's dedicated to both her husband's protection and public displays of Chinese martial arts."

Those closest to Murdoch say that he and the Chinese-born Deng married for many reasons, such as to ease entrance in to the Chinese media market, to appear more culturally diverse, and most of all for personal security.

"Rupert knew that although Wendi was an Ivy League educated woman she retained a profound respect and admiration for the martial arts of her native land. As a decrepit and frail man, despised by millions around the world, he knew that there would come a point when his life would be threatened," said a close confidant of Murdoch's who asked the Solicitor to remain unnamed.

Murdoch and Deng married in 1999, and they have two children together. Rupert's eldest two children, Prudence and Elisabeth Murdoch, both of which are older than Wendi Deng Murdoch, were never supportive of the marriage, but are thankful for Deng's martial prowess.

"She and my father may not have been married for the right reasons, but she did stand up for him admirably. She showed more spine than my little shit half-brother James," said Elisabeth Murdoch. 

"In the end, I think some of the criticism [Wendi] has received is shameful. Is it fair to call her a gold digging temptress? No, I don't believe it is. 

"Is it fair to call her a gold digging Chinese temptress who knows karate? Maybe. It's really for the public to decide."

Prosecutors Demoted to Minor Leagues After Losing Casey Anthony Trial

By Erin Davis

WASHINGTON-- The pressure of the big stage was too much for the Orange County District Attorney's Office as Casey Anthony was acquitted of the homicide of her daughter, Caylee Anthony last week. Anthony's acquittal sparked rumors around the legal world that the prosecutors in that case might be sent down to the minors, and the Solicitor can now confirm this to be true. Anthony, already convicted, shot, hanged, and quartered in the court of public opinion, skirted past the prosecutors’ makeshift theories and legal mumbo-jumbo. 

“When this office spouts mumbo-jumbo, it’s supposed to be efficient and effective. The lead prosecutor’s was neither,” said presiding Judge Belvin Perry.

The lead prosecutor, Jeffery Ashton, was among the four sent to Florida’s legal minor league. “You only really get one chance to make it big in the majors. That was my chance. The Casey Anthony case was like a slam dunk— even better, a slow pitch softball, right down the middle of the plate. I just missed. I don’t know how, but I swung and missed like my alcoholic uncle playing waffle ball,” Ashton said after learning of his demotion.

“I can’t really blame the kid, he’s young.  Hopefully he’ll be back in the majors in a couple years. Until then, have fun doing wills and estates in Key West, asshole,” Orange County DA Armand Castillo told the Solicitor.

“We really had no other choice but to send them all down. You can’t lose that case. Ashton should be lucky I don’t chloroform him and stuff his body in a… I’m sorry. This whole situation is frustrating. I mean it’s great that we have such a rabid, passionate fan base who wants nothing more than to watch heads roll, but if we can’t win, it means nothing.”

Castillo’s decision to send the four prosecutors down to the minors was welcomed by most who intensely followed the trial and had already convicted Anthony in their own mind. There are others, however, who see the prosecutors’ demotion as a smokescreen to distract the public from the true cause of Anthony’s acquittal, feminism. Misogynistic conservative talk show host  Rush Limbaugh has stated that Anthony “got off” because of “lesbian feminists on the jury who support baby-killing.”

“Not only are the feminists OK with what Anthony did, but the liberals are trying to ram all this P.C. bullshit down my throat. Now I can’t do dead baby jokes on the radio? C’mon, America.”

DJ Funkmaster Flex Arrested After Dropping Actual Bomb in NY Nightclub

By Thurgood Clarence X Thomas, Jr.

NEW YORK, NY – After years of being known for killing crowds across the nation with bass-heavy rap music and bomb sound effects, Aston George Taylor Jr. , known prominently as DJ Funkmaster Flex allegedly took his antics a step further by exploding a fuck-load of C4 in New York’s 40/40 Nightclub. An estimated 250 people in attendance were killed, while another 100 were injured.

“THIS NEXT JOINT IS GONNA RATTLE THE STREETS. MINDS IS GONNA BE BLOWN, YA HEARD,” boomed Taylor before the bombs were detonated, according to witnesses at the scene.

Taylor is currently being held at Bayview Correctional Facility without bail as he awaits his first hearing.

His attorney, Maurice Levy, says his client is confident that he will be exonerated and that justice will prevail. Levy is famous for his (possibly fictional, but hey, it still seemed pretty fucking real on The Wire) defense of Baltimore drug lords Avon Barksdale and Marlo Stanfield. His street credibility and ability to get ridiculously lenient sentences for criminals has made him popular in the music and sports world. However, he was unable to keep Plaxico Burress out of prison after Burress shot himself in the leg with an illegal firearm.

“Mr. Taylor is a family man and sends his deepest condolences to the families of the deceased. He has confidence that the NYPD will solve this case and bring the perpetrators to justice,” Levy said in a statement to the media members gathered outside of his law offices in midtown Manhattan.

According to an unnamed police source, however, Taylor was singing a much different tune as SWAT team members escorted him out of what remained of the 40/40 Club.

“I HAD TO SHOW NIGGAZ I WAS REAL! BIG DOG PITBULL STYLE – I RUN NEW YORK,” said Taylor. “HEAVY.”
According to sources at Hot 97, Funkmaster Flex’s longtime collaborator Mister Cee was devastated by the news.

“They planned on making their relationship public at that gay pride parade [scheduled for June 26],” said production intern Erik “Gunz” Smith. “But personally, I think the whole world knew them niggaz was gay.”

Taylor’s hearing is scheduled for July 5.

Lesbians Underpay for Walmart Baby

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

Two Boston lesbians are in Suffolk County family court today to plead for continued custody of 18 month old Justin Perham. Female life partners Kia Monroe and Christa Siparello have had custody over the small child since a June 12th incident at a local Walmart. “We were just walking the aisles, looking for men’s razors,  and saw this baby sitting on the ground playing with lead pipes. We decided to take him in and teach him our way.” 

What the lesbian couple sees as an act of pure generosity and love  is being framed as an illegal abduction by the child’s biological parents,  Harry and Lisa Perham. The Perhams have requested that the child be returned to their custody immediately. Speaking to the Solicitor, through their attorney Lionel Hutz, the parents maintained that they were simply letting their child play with Walmart’s Chinese-made lead-based toys when the two women stole the child. “Clearly we cannot allow lesbians to walk into stores and just take children- that’s what Africa is for.” Hutz also stated that the Perhams were further infuriated to learn that Monroe and Siparello had not paid proper market value for the baby. “They somehow got out of that store only paying $150 for that baby.  A white, blonde hair, blue eyed American baby should cost upwards of $100,000. I mean, he’s not Dominican.”

Monroe and Siparello maintain their innocence and their counsel intends to demonstrate the “blatant homophobia” the court would endorse by finding in the Perhams’ favor. “This is simply a case of America not wanting these women to be who they are. America doesn't care if Neo Nazis or Mormons raise children, but as soon as two lesbians buy a baby everyone wants to remember their morals.”

GOP Presidential Hopefuls Announce Support For Gay Abortion

By Erin Davies, Contributing Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Republican Presidential hopefuls have gathered in the nation's capital to announce their support for expanded abortion rights for women. 

Last week, scientists at the University of California, Berkeley developed a sure-fire method to determine whether a fetus will be born a homosexual. Since the ground-breaking development, conservative celebrities such as Obnoxious Idiot Glenn Beck and Adolf Hitler Mel Gibson have publicly retracted their close-minded attitudes towards abortion and given full approval to a measure that would allow women to abort potential homosexual fetuses. 

"I think an open-minded attitude towards abortion is exactly what this country needs right now," said GOP presidential nominee Newt Gingrich (R). 

"I believe it should be the right of women to decide whether to bring a life into this world- especially if that life is against the teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If a woman is notified that her child will be born a homosexual, I believe it to be in the best interest of not only the woman but also the child to terminate the pregnancy immediately. 

"We've all heard how hard it is for parents to accept that their teenage children are gay, and now no one has to deal with that awkward moment."

The measure, which would allow women to abort a pregnancy as late as 8 months, has been branded as utero-genocide by many in the LBGTQ community. Charles St. Jean, a resident of Lower Manhattan, said candidly to the Solicitor that he and his life partner are deeply discouraged by the fact that there may not be any homosexual children to adopt in the near future.

Many prominent Democrats have voiced their opposition to the expanded abortion rights. Nevada Senator Harry Reid (D), told the Solicitor that although he at one time did support a woman's right to chose, that he was now very much "pro-life".

"I just don't think it's right to end a life before it ever gets an opportunity to play out. The fact is that no one knows what that child might end up becoming. 

"Sure you're child might be a homosexual, but women must remember the positives of that situation, such as the fact that they may grow up to vote Democrat."

Although most Republicans support the proposed abortion amendment, there are many more who see this as only the first step in many to an equal and just society under God. 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney (R) suggested on Monday that the 8 month pregnancy limit on gay abortion was ineffective and hindered the constitutional rights of parents.

"8 months of pregnancy, while a good time length for now, is too short a period for mothers to decide if they want gay children. I think we should push the time frame to something like 17 or 18 years, for those ladies who have a tough time making up their mind, like my wife did."

Lawyer Reluctantly Admits He Is Hipster Scum

By Alex Dougherty, Contributing Reporter

PORTLAND, OR — Under pressure from senior partners at the notoriously conservative Preston & MacGeedy law firm, junior associate Robert Fulton reluctantly announced Tuesday afternoon that he has been a lifelong hipster. Embarrassed and anxious, Fulton addressed his peers in a company board room wearing Buddy Holly glasses and a "Salvo" suit with Doc Marten boots. 

"I know this news comes as a shock to some of you," Fulton said to the crowded room, "but I am a hipster. I have been for some time, and now I'm not afraid to admit it."

Speaking with the Solicitor Tuesday night, Fulton explained that he realized he was a hipster in grade school when his classmates were watching MTV and listening to pop radio stations. 

"I knew I was different- you might even say better than the other kids. I didn't want to watch TRL and listen to the music the big corporations spoon-fed the state run radio stations." 

Fulton insists that as a child he would rather watch PBS and listen to National Public Radio, two stations renowned for their unrivaled elitist liberalisms and all-around douchebaggery.

Fulton told the Solicitor that there were those within the firm who learned of his condition years earlier.

"Alyssa [Harden] has known for some time that I'm a hipster. She caught me drinking PBR on the job a couple years ago, and then spotted me at a Vampire Weekend concert last June. The whole ordeal was very embarrassing, and I asked that she let me come out of the repository in my own time." 

The "repository", as Fulton explained, is the hipster equivalent of the "closet" for homosexuals, except, "not as mainstream."

At the conclusion of his address, Fulton asked for respect and understanding from his peers, saying, "please treat me no differently than any of the other lazy, apathetic employees at this firm," motioning to Mario De Los Cobos, an Hispanic attorney. 

There are those at the firm, unbeknownst to Fulton, who suspected he may be a hipster months and even years earlier. Whenever Fulton was asked what law school he attended, he would notoriously answer, "some cool, obscure law school you've probably never heard of," and was known to ask repeatedly if the morning bagels were organic. Still, others reported that Fulton rode a retro Schwinn bike to work and used a vintage typewriter keyboard for his computer in the office. 

 

Many in the legal community had questioned, for some time, whether hipsters had the intellectual capacity, work ethic, or fashion sense to break into the most prestigious firms. 

"I'm definitely not the only one of us in the legal community. I'm not going to tell you who the rest are, but I can say we meet regularly to loiter outside a local Whole Foods every Tuesday."

Comedian Tosh Arrested For Murder Wednesday

By Karen Huang, Contributing Reporter

LOS ANGELES -- Comedian Daniel Tosh was arrested early Wednesday morning outside his moderately overpriced Los Angeles home after authorities were  notified that the comedian allegedly murdered an innocent joke on national television. The incident happened at approximately 10:32 E.T. Tuesday night, during an airing of the latest episode of his show, Tosh.0.  Tosh opened his show by displaying a large white woman in a thong, and joked that he was not quite sure what African-American men saw in such women. The incident marked the 10th time in the show’s three year history that Tosh had played the “black men love fat white women” card, and Los Angeles authorities have had enough. 

The joke was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and pronounced dead shortly after the show. Condolences were issued by a number of comedians when the news broke over Twitter. Comedian Chris Rock responded to the news by tweeting, “God dammit. That was my whole bit.”

The joke’s untimely death will not be mourned by all, however, as there is a large contingent of black men who have asked comedians to refrain from drawing attention to their large, ugly, white girlfriends since the 1970’s. Jamal Washington, the Solicitor’s expert on bi-racial coitus, explained that comedians have been attracting attention to black men's “side-chicks” for some time. 

“For real, your average dude on the block already got a girl– a real girl. When you see us with some white chicken head our main chick don’t know, and we like it that way. Shit, that fuck [Tosh] been blowin’ my spot up for a minute now,” Washington said in a carefully worded email.

Los Angeles County D.A., Steve Cooley spoke to the press outside City Hall Wednesday morning and emphasized that Tosh had demonstrated that he had no real appreciation for the gravity of his crime. 

"It has been funny to make fun of black men and fat, white women for over 350 years, and now we’ll have to go back to making fun of black men for failing to pay child support, or showing up late to work, or using Boost Mobile. Tosh has repeatedly shown little interest in preserving this joke’s integrity, and we plan to prosecute that ass-fuck to the fullest extent.”

Tosh is being held at the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department, and despite his successful tour and TV show he does not have the required $750,000 to post bail. The comedian will likely make a plea deal with the District Attorney in exchange for information on the name and address of the ass-wipe of a hack who writes for Norm McDonald.

Nearly Defeated, Mayor Plans to Use Foolproof Strategy of Black Politicians

By Brandon Giordano, Junior Editor

TRENTON, NJ -- Trenton Mayor Tony Mack has had a trying first year as the executive of Mercer County's largest municipality. Mack has largely squandered any respect he gained during his campaign, and has surely lost all respect he earned for not being Douglas Palmer, the previous mayor of Trenton for 20 plus years. During his brief tenure, Mack had his home sold by the county sheriff, hired his unqualified half-brother to run the city's water treatment, allowed his half-brother to use city employees for private jobs during work hours, took a $3,000 bribe, and most recently, his newly hired chief of staff, Paul Sigmund, was arrested for heroine use (at 8:30am) and assault.*

Mack is quickly losing the publicity battle as area newspapers have stalked his every move like Glenn Beck stalks Hitler's ghost. The resilient Mack, however, has what he calls a foolproof plan to take back the hearts of the citizens of Trenton. Following in the footsteps of African-American politicians before him, Mack says he will find and kill Osama bin Laden.

"I can pull this off. It'll be a media circus. They'll have no choice to reelect me. That's what happens when you're a black politician. As long as you find and kill Osama bin Laden, most people will just forget the shit you did before." When informed of the factual and logistic obstacles to finding and killing Osama bin Laden, a second time, Mack reiterated that the press, "should not underestimate the intellectual capabilities of blacks." Mack then stated, "Barack Obama was half black, and he found and killed Osama bin Laden in almost 3 years. I figure for a full black man like me it should take anywhere from 8-15 weeks. Finding and killing Osama bin Laden shows the public that I know how to handle a budget, reduce corruption, and improve education."

Since the political decision, considered by some to be a long shot, Mack has reassigned the city's communications department to find the former Al-Qaeda leader's body in the Indian Ocean. Others in accounting and housing were given the next two months off to plan a press event for Mack to announce the capture and killing of bin Laden. "Lower taxes, race relations, STD screenings, kid-friendly priests, these aren't the things people care about in this city," Mack said at a press conference Saturday afternoon. "I know them, and I just have to give the people what they really want, the blood of a foreigner."

* http://www.nj.com/times-opinion/index.ssf/2011/05/editorial_firing_trenton_chief.html

Junior Associate Suffers Emotional, Anal Trauma

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

FLINT, MI -- Junior associate Liam Pearson is in serious but stable condition following a physical altercation with Jansen & Healy senior partner Oliver F. Healy Thursday afternoon. After learning that Pearson allowed the Michigan Statute of Limitations to expire on a potential million-dollar lawsuit, Healy, in a fit of hormonal rage, seized Pearson by the throat, bent him over an office desk and swiftly kicked Pearson in the ass, ripping the associate’s pants and undergarments, and impaling his anus with size-13 leather Topman shoes. Healy attempted to remove his foot from his associate’s anus, but was stunned to realize his left foot was firmly lodged in Pearson’s gastrointestinal tract. A firm paralegal, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told the Solicitor, “we always called Pearson a tight ass, but who knew his ass was that tight?”

Pearson was taken to Michigan Mercy Hospital after emergency workers worked for 3 hours to remove Healy’s left foot and ankle. Emergency responders say that Pearson suffered very severe effects from the penetrating anal trauma of Healy’s Vinatieri-inspired blow. “I’ve been in this business for 17 years, and never have I seen a man’s foot that deep in another man’s ass. Sure I’ve removed carrots, guns, and iPads from asses before, but those were all pretty standard compared to this,” said emergency responder Amy Heigarden. 

Flint, like many cities in America with real fucking problems, rarely brings criminal prosecutions for altercations involving attorneys, specifically partner-associate incidents. Healy, when asked if he felt he felt lucky to evade criminal charges, told the Solicitor,  “I don’t feel lucky at all. That little shit cost us 2 million and ruined one of my favorite pair of shoes. I feel like he got off easy.” Healy is standing firm on the position that he was justified in his action. “He’s just a fucking associate. He’s an ant. No, he’s smaller than an ant. He's more like a tick or flea with a foot up his ass."

NJ Jury Gives Man $6M Verdict After Getting B.J. from Filthy, Filthy Stripper

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor



JERSEY CITY, NJ -- A Hudson County jury has handed down one of the largest strip-club related verdicts of 2011 after awarding James McManaman, of Bridgewater, NJ, $6 million dollars last week. McManaman alleged that the defendant, Litter Box Entertainment Co., failed to follow the common strip club practice of  prohibiting sex in the establishment. McManaman contracted herpes in the course of receiving fellatio from a dancer in the club's champagne room. Allen Carver, McManaman's counsel has cited numerous examples of the ban on champagne room-sex including national health and sanitation laws, a 1999 song by comedian Chris Rock, and a bill by the State legislature dating from 1804 known as the Stank-Ass Wench Act. 



Owner, and all around Jersey douche, Andrew D'Orio complained that the verdict was highly prejudicial and biased against dishonest women making a barely socially acceptable living. "That Chris Rock song is more like a suggestion. Besides, every other club in this filthy fuckin' city lets that shit happen. Shit, we're the only club that checks our dancers' I.D.'s."



Carver told the Solicitor, that if the club simply followed the policy his client would not have herpes. "At worst he would have gotten the clap, which they can cure. Look, they know the damn Chris Rock song -- everybody saw the video. We all know the dangers of sex in the champagne room, like losing track of time, wanting to leave your wife, and contracting herpes from a 16 year old Brazilian girl who promised you two lapdances for 15 bucks." Carver concluded his rousing closing argument saying that he had proof that they not only allowed sex in the champagne room, but D'Orio allowed strippers give birth on the buffet table after lunch was over. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that's some stank-ass shit."

Bosh Sues Avatar Director Cameron for Illegal Use of Likeness

By Allen Hutton 

MIAMI -- NBA Superstar Chris Bosh has filed a suit against director James Cameron for illegally using his likeness in the 3-D shitshow, Avatar. Lawyers for Bosh claim that Cameron purposefully designed the indigenous Na’vi after Bosh, and has failed to pay any royalties. “It’s pretty clear that he took Chris’s facial and body structure and made the characters blue, like we wouldn’t notice.” Bosh’s suit follows the precedent established by a verdict for former NBA star Charles Barkley, who sued director Tim Story for his use of Barkley’s likeness in his depiction of The Thing in the film Fantastic Four. “I hope Chris gets what dey owe him. It’s just not right. It’s turrrible,” Barkley said when asked for his opinion on Bosh’s lawsuit.

Bosh recently signed a contract extension with his new team the Miami Heat. The contract, worth $96M over 5 years is just not enough to sustain the lavish life style to which NBA players are accustomed. “I mean, sure it’s a lot of money, but is it enough? You’ve heard what [Latrell] Spreewell said, ‘I can’t feed my family on a million dollars!’” Bosh said in a statement through his lawyers. Cameron has adamantly denied any wrongdoing and through a spokesperson suggested a number of places Bosh and his legal counsel could “shove their case.”

City’s Legal Community Struck with Plague of Apathy

By J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

BOSTON -- The entire legal community of Boston has become extremely apathetic towards their profession and education due to a strain of Parisian Apathy. The virus, contracted through overexposure to European labor and education strikes, has put a halt to judicial proceedings, law classes, and firm Christmas parties across the city. Municipal judges throughout Suffolk County have taken indefinite recess, and my fear that they may not return to work for some time. Allen Thomas of Roxbury was arrested last week for assault but has not been arraigned. “I got to the courtroom and the judge just sat there, watching TV. I asked my lawyer to do something about it, but he just pulled out his cell phone and played brick breaker.”

At Harvard, law professors have reportedly given their students a number of excuses as to why classes will not be held. In an email to his second year class, Professor David Chaim said that his wife had, “DVR’ed a great episode of Mythbusters,” and that it was, “too windy to have class.” First year student Jenny Cavello says that most of the students are not surprised by the class cancellations. “Most of us have been apathetic towards this stuff since we got here. I haven’t opened a book or taken notes in months, and frankly I don’t care…”

The host of the virus is believed to be a Boston University law student, Shawna White, who visited her boyfriend in Paris over Thanksgiving break. While there she witnessed students at Sorbonne strike over class hours, Metro workers strike over wages, and gypsies strike over the weather. “It was all kind of weird, especially when the riot police showed up and started using pepper spray. At first I was concerned, but then I was consumed with this very European feeling of ‘fuck it’.”

Parisian Apathy has struck the United States before with far more damaging consequences. It has often appeared months, weeks, and sometimes days before the outbreak of war. The epidemics of 1775, 1863, and 1908 were all followed by overwhelming victories by those who actually gave a shit. The most notable example is undeniably the strain of Parisian Apathy that caused the legal and political communities of England and the United States to allow Hitler to invade Czechoslovakia and Poland. After the end of World War II, Prime Minister Winston Churchill was quoted as saying, “I’m not really sure why, but we just didn’t give a rat’s ass until he started bombing London. Even then, we still weren’t sure we wanted to do anything.”

Mississippi Jury Returns $6.3M Verdict for Non-Consensual Haircut, Circumcision

By Harris Freer

JACKSON, MI -- A Mississippi man was awarded over $6 million by a jury in a crushing blow to hair chain giant Supercuts. The man, Andrew LeBatte of Spring Arbor, MI went into the downtown Jackson Supercuts for the Gustavo Cut (pictured right) but was erroneously given the Mike Cut. “I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t. I mean I plainly point to the one with the Mexican or Spanish kid with the flipped up Mohawk thing and they give me this fruity cut with blonde streaks.”

Furthermore, as stylist Deandra Ackerman applied the fruity blonde streaks to LeBatte’s hair, she mistakenly circumcised the 26-year old man. “I got totally confused. I had the electric clippers in one hand and the Gomco circumcisers in the other, and I mixed everything up. One moment I’m clipping his sideburns and the next thing I know I’m trimming his junk.” Ackerman, who also performs circumcisions for the El-Shabbat Jewish Reform Temple in Jackson was extremely remorseful about removing her customer’s foreskin and offered a free lollipop as compensation.

Second Tier School Laments Admission of Preppy Douches

By Amy Redman, Contributing Reporter

BRISTOL, RI-- Dr. William Harrison, dean at the Roger Williams University School of Law, recently issued a statement of apology to his staff and students. The apology stemmed from an incident of unfortunate boat shoes that caused the death of 14 students and two members of the janitorial staff. 

Witnesses say that Baxter Haggerty, a first year student from Greenwich, CT, was in the student lounge smoking a 1.3g marijuana cigarette when the ash fell on the Sperry Topsiders of another student, Jacob Ramsey, of Morristown, NJ. Ramsey’s boat shoes were then instantaneously engulfed in what onlookers described as a “ball of douchy fire”. The fire quickly spread from Ramsey’s shoes to the Polo apparel of the thirteen other students in the lounge and two janitors cleaning up the mess of the “ungrateful bastards”.

“This event is tragic and unfortunate, and the blame falls squarely on our school. It was our decision to accept those BMW-driving idiots. From now on we'll do some face-to-face interviews to eliminate this preppy, douche-filled plague,” Dean Harrison said in an email titled “My Bad”. Officials from Sperry headquarters in Lexington, MA said that the shoes are not normally flammable, but when exposed to trace amounts of arrogance, entitlement, and selfishness the shoes can be deadly.

How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season: Racists

J. Benson Calloway, Senior Editor

'How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season' is an editorial series dedicated to giving Americans legal tips for the upcoming weeks. Each segment will target a specific demographic and give related legal advice.

Many of you, like myself, are racists. Undoubtedly, some of you racists will be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in a couple weeks. There are a few legal tips you should keep in mind when throwing back that eggnog and reminiscing about the time before that Guatemalan family moved in down the street.

On Assault: For the next few weeks try not to physically assault any African Americans or Jewish people. During Hanukkah and Kwanzaa (is that a real holiday?) refrain from your usual taunting and menacing. Any crimes committed against these groups in the next few weeks might be considered hate crimes, which carry lengthier jail times. Additionally, hate crimes are usually federal crimes, which means that your local sheriff (and Klan brother) can’t get you off. As a general rule wait until a couple weeks after New Year’s day to do your assaulting on minorities.

On Jesus and Santa: Racists, I urge you, do not (and I mean DO NOT) remove or destroy any portrayals of Jesus or Santa that are not white. Sure it looks weird and wrong, but people tend to call the police when you go around breaking their lawn ornaments. If the Robinson or Jackson family wants to think Christ had an Afro or listened to Dr. Dre so be it. They’ll see when (if) they get to heaven.

On Pollyanna: Fellow racists, when someone at the office suggests they you all do a Pollyanna (Secret Santa) do not bring in a gift that demonstrates your racism. Believe it or not, a Confederate flag is not one of those ‘universal’ gifts that everyone will love. If you’re getting a gift for Maria, the accountant your pretty sure is Hispanic or Italian, a copy of Mein Kampf is probably out of place.

Upcoming Segments of ‘How to Stay Legal This Holiday Season’ include Alcoholics, Southerners, Gays, Strippers, Middle-Class Black People and more.

Soda Giants File Joint Suit Against R.C. Cola For Being Shitty Competitor

By Jason Gomes, Contributing Reporter

ATLANTA --In a strange legal move, soft drink conglomerates Coca-Cola and Pepsi have sued RC Cola in Georgia civil court for being a half-assed competitor. Pepsi CEO Thomas Banning was puzzled as to why “those mother fuckers” are still in business. “Why do they still make that shit? Have you ever been to a party where someone gives you RC Cola? No. You haven’t. And if someone did give you that bullshit, you’d be offended. Fact.”

In a rant on NPR last week Coca-Cola chief executive Dan Higginbotham railed the feeble excuse of a soda. “The basis of our great economy is competition and with RC Cola around they’re just making this too easy. Even if we lose one of those stupid taste tests to Pepsi, we always have the fallback ‘oh, well at least we’re not RC Cola!’”

Legal counsel for both companies say they plan to show definitive evidence that RC Cola is “terrible in every way imaginable”. From accusations of human rights abuse to their awful, 1970’s style logo, Coca-Cola and Pepsi are confident that this case will be the last straw for the nearly bankrupt mom-and-pop soda company. In a statement made by their legal counsel, RC Cola plans to defend its company and honor in the suit. “We’re just glad we’re not Mecca Cola… dumbasses.”

Fed. Gov’t Creates More Efficient Way for Law Students to Accumulate 200k in Debt

By Erin Davies

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a measure to ensure that law students accumulate the standard $200,000 in debt by the end of their first year, the federal government has started the Debt First Program. Debt First will force first year students to spend over $200,000 in lent money in a little under 12 months. Students are free to spend on housing, electronics, and anything else a person in their early 20’s can think of. Kim Peterson, a first year studying law at the University of Pittsburgh says she spent her loan in 2 weeks. “First I rented a helicopter, and then I flew it to New York. I paid two homeless guys to make out, and then I went to the Coach store and bought this awesome bag, but then I lost it when we bought out a subway car and threw a rave. It was awesome, I never knew I could accumulate that much debt so fast. It’s great!”

The government got the idea from innovative Las Vegas and Atlantic City casinos who have managed to create a more direct way to get players’ money without actually gambling. “What we’ve done is actually just put out a collection bucket so people don’t have to waste their time gambling. They can just give us the money up front and walk away,” said Arnold Comiskey, owner of the Sands Casino Holding Co. “Another thing we’ve done is we’ve allowed players to create a joint account with our casinos so that they can just transfer the money online before they even get to our casinos. It cuts out the middle man and the wait time.”

President Obama, a graduate of Harvard Law, said that it was agonizing that he had to wait 3 whole years to accumulate that much debt. “This program is going to cut down the time kids have to wait to be in debt. Debt is a very American thing, and we’re glad to help these students get it so quickly.”